Joe, a loyal disciple

There’s no way to describe the process of how The Noble King came into power. The Noble Kings walked his land and had power over all those under him; however he had done nothing to claim his throne. The Noble King did not come to power by vote; there was no election or distinct form of bureaucracy that made the decision of him becoming their King. The Noble King did not come to power by strength or numbers; he never fought a battle, never witnessed a war and never once showed dominance over anyone. The Noble King does not have an army, to quote him, “Holding an army begs for unnecessary violence.” The Noble King was his title, it was not the title he may have wished for, but it was the title he earned.

The Noble King never once demanded money, goods, or land. Money was never a problem, as he once said, “It is unfair for a King to hold power if he cannot provide for himself.” Ne never asked for goods. He earned, bought, or traded for any goods he needed. It was a just and fair system. Never once did The Noble King take another man’s land, “Taking one’s land is taking one’s life.” The Noble King only asked for one thing from his people, a tall order from those who he held power, “Defend me until death.”

Death did not occur often in his Kingdom. Never once was violence an issue in his Kingdom. Anyone that committed any sort of crime or act of violence knew they would have to deal directly with The Noble King. What he would do or how he would react was unknown. His people knew it would be wise to avoid any confrontation, for fear of what would happen to them if he had to confront them. It was this same reason The Noble King had no opponents, for the fear of the unknown is enough to keep a man from crossing him.

However noble of a King he was, he could not stop the natural process of death from occurring. His people would grow old and pass on, leaving their children behind to continue the cycle. Whenever one of his people passed on, he would give them the respect of a King. Their casket would be carried down the main street of town on a horse drawn carriage. Every single person from town would line the funeral route. They would not hold their hands over their hearts, nor mourn their death; rather, the people would stand tall and proud, cheering and applauding, as the carriage was carried down Main Street. The people were not applauding the death itself; rather, applauding a life well lived, giving those who passed on one last hurrah before they slept forever.

One day a man came to town. This was nothing new or far from the ordinary for this town. Whenever a new person came to town, The Noble King made it his person errand to greet whoever it was to town and welcome them to his Kingdom. Never once had an ounce of confrontation ever occurred in one of these instances. The visitor would come to town, The Noble King would greet them and within a day or two, the visitor would leave town on their own accord. However, the people knew this would not happen this time, for there was something strange about this man. It was too difficult to describe, there was something not right about this man, something was off. He swayed as he moved a slow, mopey pace to his walk, it looked depressing. As we walked though, he held his head high, and you could see it in his face, he was a man with pride and he was here for no good.

As standard procedure, The Noble King heard from word of mouth that there was someone new in town, he also heard that this person is different, there’s something not right. The Noble King made it his personal errand to his people to investigate. From his Castle, that stood on a small hill located on a jut of land out of the eastern shore and into the bay, the Noble King walked westward directly to the center of town. Down the beaten dirt path that served as Main Street the Noble King passed several houses and farmlands, as well as the graveyard. It was this route the King was walking that is the same as, but the reverse of, the funeral route. Up and down the rolling hills, he walked about two and a half miles before coming to the stretch of Main Street that served as the Center of Town. In the center of town stood a church, tall and proud it was, lurching high upon the hill in the center of town, its steeple stood a full sixty feet above the ground and was easily the tallest object for as far as the eye could see. Main Street led all the way from the Noble King’s castle directly to the front door of the church. From there two spate roads split off from the church, one heading to the North and another South. It was on this Southern Path that the strange man walked, slowly, towards the church.

The Noble King walked forward toward the man, never once breaking stride, never once showing fear and never once showing dominance, rather The Noble King walked forward with confidence and power. The man, in his mopey depressive walk, approached The Noble King. The entire town was in the center to witness this, surrounding the buildings around the area, in the streets and crowding in front of the church they stood. Through thick and through thin these people would stand by their Noble King, the strange man gave them the feeling this confrontation would be the former of the two. At the point of their meeting two things happened. First, the King reached his hand out in order to shake hands with the strange man. The strange man did not respond to this, rather the second happened; the strange man looked directly into the eyes of The Noble King and said simply, “I came for you.” The Noble King calmly and coolly responded, “Well here I am.”

The town remained silent. All one thousand members of town surrounded the crossroads at the church where the strange man and The Noble King stood. The strange man took a step forward, standing so close that the strange man was rubbing against The Noble King, and whispering into the King’s ear he said, “By the end of this day, you will be dead.” Even with the town so silent that you could hear a pin drop from one hundred feet away, no one, except The Noble King, heard what was said. The Noble King, now looking forward over the strange man’s right shoulder, without even a thought at glimpsing toward him, pivoted on his right foot and swung his left leg 180 degrees around behind him, so that The Noble King was now facing directly away from this strange man. Never a look of fear, never showing dominance and never showing weakness, The Noble King started to walk away from the strange man in the direction of his castle.
The strange man started to laugh, evilly and maniacally, he screams, “Run in fear coward! Show these people your true colors! Hide like the rat you are!” The Noble King stops in his tracks, only about 20 paces away from the strange man, with his back to the strange man. The Noble King knows the entire town is watching this event unfold and all eyes are on him. The Noble King doesn’t move an inch, doesn’t show a hint of weakness and does not show a hint of dominance. The Noble King shouts, “’Til Death!!!” and continues to walk away. The strange man stands in the center of town perplexed, the crowd starts to chant, “’Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!!” The strange man looks around as the crowd slowly collapses around him, a circle has formed and there’s no escape. The people still chant, “’Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!! ‘Till Death!!!” A deafening, thundering tone among them, each chant becoming louder and louder than the first, “’Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!!”

As The Noble King makes his way back to the castle, the chant becomes weaker and weaker as he walks further and further away. He does not need to know what will happen to the strange man, nor does he care, it’s for his people to decide.

Fred is having trouble writing about the past, in the present tense first person.

Joe:
So we’re sitting here talking shit about people, and man I gotta say this is hilarious. For some reason Joe has this fucking skunk tail of a haircut going on and wearing tights and I gotta say he looks like a pile of fuck. Anyway, I need to get back to triple-five and get some programming done on Naomi, peace.

Is it really that hard?

Fred:
*stabs joe in the face* I am enjoying this, the color of the blood leaking through the newly made hole is reminiscent of a river flowing in the early spring being fed by the rush of melting snow and Ice. “Good bye” I say as I pull out the knife and extend my leg to kick Joe in the chest. Yes Joe, This is SPARTA!

Joe:
“Listen here,” I say to Fred with the canter of a schoolchild finding a quarter on the ground on his way to class, “Fuck your shit you twat.” I claimed that I shall not fall so easily to the bastardized abomination that is Fred, so I countered his kick to my chest by shoving his massive boot off to the side and thrust my dagger into his heart shouting, “TODAY IS A FINE DAY TO DIE.”

Fred:
Oh so Joe thinks he can win that easily, I grab Joe’s dagger from my chest, “You forget I had that useless organ removed years ago, and you are right Today is a fine day to die, let me know how it feels!” As I swing the dagger across Joe’s throat, the blood erupts like Mt. Vesuvius on that faithful day where Pompeii was destroyed. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson Joe. Never Cross me.”

Joe:
Fred’s a foolish man, the blood he sees flying is not that of any mortal, it is the blood of a tyrant of the feast. The shining star of a neon green fountain of Mountain Dew streams out of my flesh and covers Fred’s newly pressed trench coat in the sugary goodness of my sweet blood. Taking a swig of my life-blood I laugh loudly and proclaim, “Best check your shit, My death will never come!”

Fred:
I am filled with Joy, at Joe’s latest divulgement of information, I now know that I can commence an eternity of torture, on this insolent fool. I grab Joe by the flesh of his arm, and fling him into a steel cage like some kind of animal. “Enjoy your new home Joe, you will live there for sometime, and in may places. First stop, the Lava pits” I am filled with glee, finally some real entertainment

Joe:
Watching Fred gloat has me wrapped up in anger and fear for what is to come, but oh, what is this sitting here? Ha! I shout at Fred with the confidence of a man who’s just escaped death for the tenth time

“Filled with glee?
Ha! A fool is thee!
left on the floor
is but the Key!”

I release myself from the wretched cage and walk straight up to Fred’s massive frame watching the smirk wiped from his face, “One day Fred, one day you shall have your wish.”

Fred:
Just one more step Joe…SUCCESS, I quickly reach into my pocket and push the shiny red button. Oh yes THAT BUTTON. All of a sudden the floor drops from below Joe, like a Saturday morning cartoon. The look on Joe’s face was priceless as he realized what was happening. “See you later Joe.” Joe’s body descended rapidly down the seemingly never ending shaft, on his way to Ohio, where he cannot use his debit card, and it will take him days to return. Life is good.

Joe:
Falling down this never ending tunnel towards doom I look to the sky and think to myself, “Those bastards at Staples were right… that WAS easy.” Letting the doom come to me, however, is not an option, I call in a favor to the almighty himself and ask, “God, I need a fucking dew.”

His response is less than favorable, “Dude, just go to the store, it’s not that fucking hard, plus, I’m on my coffee break.”

This is going to be a long day…

Whenever Fred walks, it’s really just the earth moving under him, not him moving.

Fred counts up two, minus one. 2 1 3 2 4 3 5 4 6 5…. not 1 2 3 4 5, this is due to an error caused by inter-planar teleportation.

Fred is not a vampire. Vampires are Freds.

Fred created a law stating all rectangles must be squares

Fred doesn’t need to shower, for Fred is always clean. He only showers to blend in better with normal people.

Fred is illiterate. This is due to too much HTML and Java coding.

Fred cannot explain certain things to you in detail, you are just wrong. If Fred did explain, it would force your brain to explode, which is not a mess Fred is about to clean up.

Due to his sleep style, Fred constantly trips while sleeping.

Fred never becomes sick or has need for medicine, he only pretends.

Fred has created over 17 known languages. Sadly, no one can speak them.

Fred was once mistaken as being a tall Italian woman. This story, however, is false, because all Italian women are taller than Fred.

Fred doesn’t understand where the coding he wrote went wrong that made “Shirt and Tie” standard business wear.

Fred cannot feel hot or cold, nor can he properly detect North from South. Again, this is due to an error caused by inter-planar teleportation.

Fred never has everything he needs at any point in time, he will always forget something. This is what God decided to do to piss Fred off ever so slightly.

Fred is not God, nor is Fred the Devil, he’s the guy from Purgatory no one seems to mention, but now you know.

Fred is still slightly confused as to why he hasn’t made a working pencil out of AOL disks yet.

Fred can name every person he’s ever met. He chooses not to because it takes too long and is quite boring.

Fred’s screen name “Animal2k87″ constantly pisses him off, because he always forgets he was born in 3,087 BFCITAD, (Before Fred Changed It To Anno Domini, or better known as “B.C.”), and not 2,087.

As stated in the Bible, the world really was created only about 6,000 years ago. Fred just makes things older to make scientists feel worthwhile.

One time I was thirsty and Fred needed to pee, so I told Fred I’d take the piss for him if he’d get me the drink. Just after saying this I realized how stupid that was, however, Fred agreed to do just that. I peed for him and he got the drink. This qualifies as one of those things Fred cannot explain to you in detail.

Dewey did beat Truman, but Fred changed it around to prove that you really should just shut the fuck up.

Jack the Ripper never killed anyone. He did, however, sell Fred a Rolex out of a suitcase in New York.

Although it’s a popular belief, Fred cannot see or change the future. But he will go back in time and change certain things until he gets it right. That’s why when you read this in 2036 you’ll find out that Kennedy wasn’t assassinated, Rick Astley was President for 4 full terms because he never wanted to “give you up” and George W. Bush was aborted via the “Falcon Punch” method.

Fred wants you to know David Blaine really sucks at fake magic.

Fred cannot shuffle a deck of cards. This is another error caused by inter-planar teleportation.

Fred cannot fully explain inter-planar teleportation to you.

Fred can reproduce asexually. This is something he actually can explain to you in detail, but it is another error caused by inter-planar teleportation.

Fred knows every question to every answer.

Fred created the sport Cricket and unfortunately cannot fully explain that to you either.

Fred has permed his hair only once before and will continue to blame that on the 70’s.

Fred always has no idea what you’re talking about, but is constantly very lucky at guessing right about what to say every time you finish speaking to make you feel better about yourself.

Fred is 80plus certified.

Fred cannot fully explain to you how to make a paper airplane, this is actually due to the fact that Fred has no idea what paper is.

The Mayans really are crazy people hell bent on the number 12. Fred just decided to write that the day of destruction is 12/21/12 to make the Mayans seem smarter and more accurate.

Fred created daylight savings time to make your life just that much better.

Fred can fall up, but will not do it for you because, quote, “It hurts too much.”

Fred once fell asleep on the train, and is quite confused as to how he didn’t fall off while the train was in the tunnels.

Fred will bite through soda cans to drink them. This isn’t a show of dominance, he just doesn’t know how the tab thing works.

Fred cannot properly pronounce the word “solvent”

Fred has been contemplating for 3 years as to whether or not 50 Cent throwing money in a club while an Indian does a rain dance qualifies it as successfully “making it rain”

Fred tried to make it law that you need an appointment to talk to him, but he decided that the paperwork needed was too long and complicated, as well as involved something called “paper”

Fred wants to kill the man responsible for calling earphones “headphones”

Fred is in the process of suing the inventor of the computer mouse for the use of the phrase “point and click,” which he has already trademarked for the proper method of how to shoot a gun.

Fred cheats at Monopoly because he claims he can put his money into investments and CD’s that give him full control of the banks that hold your money. This results in him freezing your accounts, stealing all your assets and money, winning him the game every time.

Fred doesn’t believe in death, he claims everyone dissipates into the air instead. Oddly, this is his same theory on Global Warming.

Fred is upset at whoever it was’s fault that the word “fact” was miswritten from the word “Fred” and was much more widely accepted. (For those reading this in 2036, the word “Fred” was commonly written as “fact” back in the old days.)

Fred told me once that he was contemplating starting over again. I asked him why he wanted to recreate our current world, and he said “no no, I was talking about the pizza, that shit was good!”

Due to a recent rise in death of Art School students, Fred no longer can fully explain why we see colors.

For unknown reasons, after Fred talked with Ellen Degeneres he thought for many years the word “gay” meant “the love of women” and went around saying to every woman he met that he was gay. This created many social problems for Fred, but according to the women, “made the sex better”

Fred created the black plague to originally kill off the French, but then decided the earth would be better off without all the stupid people, resulting in everyone dying, except for Fred and a woman named Eve who were left to re-populate the world. Fred re-wrote a bunch of history to distort the facts to make it seem like not everyone died and that these two things happened at different times. Also, Fred is pissed at the person responsible for calling him “Adam” and making up that bullshit with the apple.