Joe, a loyal disciple

The Original List of 50
List of 50 Version 2

1) Fred once lost a tooth eating an Oreo.

2) Fred was the black man in those “The man your man could smell like” Old Spice commercials.

3) Fred starred in an episode of “What’s New Scooby Doo.” It never made it to air due to “too much graphic violence.”

4) Fred once wore a samurai outfit into a Chinese restaurant while screaming “HOW NOW BROWN COW?!” They gave him a free egg roll.

5) Fred claims that if you watch the movie “Sideways” while laying on your side, nothing happens.

6) Carly Simon wrote a song about Fred. She wont admit it’s about him, but will finally confirm the rumor in about 40 years.

7) Late last year Fred walked into a bar, punched a man in the face, pissed on his unconscious body, then had sex with his girlfriend. In an unrelated story, Snooki from Jersey Shore is now pregnant.

8. Fred told me to write that last one in hopes you would Google whether or not Snooki is pregnant.

9) Fred just used Google to see if she really is pregnant by some odd coincidence.

10) Fred cannot count past 13,891.

11) Fred thought the movie “The Descent” was decent.

12) Fred thought “Gangster’s Paradise” was a parody of Weird Al’s “Amish Paradise” stating the following: “Have you seen Coolio’s hair?”

13) Fred whistles every time he updates his twitter. No one finds this strange.

14) Fred is not easily offended. He really is not. Just don’t say anything bad about his hair.

15) Fred likes his music like he likes his coffee, with more Cream.

16) Fred thinks The Moody Blues are the depressive part of the color spectrum. He’s right.

17) Fred wrote a poem once. It was very, well, read it for yourself:
Give You Basil Joseph
Me Just Tomatoes Is
Four Said Pasta A
Words Them Onions Tool

18) Whether you know it or not, Fred has had intercourse with your parents. Even the dead ones.

19) Freds are known to have rabies if you see them out in the daytime.

20) Fred thinks it’s horrifying and hilarious that AIDS is the ultimate irony.

21) Fred wants you to look at his horse, his horse is amazing. If you give it a lick, it tastes just like raisins.

22) Fred owns a pawn shop. Specifically, he just sells the chess pieces. Business is booming.

23) Fred’s hair is the reason the Italians invented Angel Hair pasta.

24) Fred’s the kind of asshole that builds a mansion in the middle of a trailer park and calls those that live around him “peons.”

25) Fred refers to his buttocks as “the back woods.”

26) Clothes lines are no longer being used these days because 1) no one wants to hang up their underwear outdoors. 2) Fred shoots clothes with paint balls. 3) Perverts, like Fred.

27) It’s a nightly ritual for Fred to masturbate to Creedence Clearwater Revival before going to bed.

28) Fred was pulling money out of his pocket when he dropped a dollar bill on the ground. He picked up 4 quarters.

29) The state of Connecticut was founded on the values of Fred. This makes no sense.

30) Fred does not know how to open fences.

31) Fred knows how magnets work.

32) If Fred had a nickel for every time he had a nickel, the world would implode.

33) In a category 5 hurricane, the sustained wind speed of the hurricane must be at least 155.4 Miles Per Hour (250km/h), measured over one minute of time at 32feet 9.7inches (10m) above ground. Fred wanted you to know this.

34) Fred is the inventor of mono-surround sound systems. I’ll give you a minute.

35) Fred cannot tell a joke, they usually turn out like this: One day a bird was singing. A guy walked over and said, “I don’t understand tweeting.”

36) Fred has never been to a concert. He doesn’t understand how they work.

37) Fred does not like hot sauce, but he likes hot sauce.

38) Fred want me to explain the last one, Fred likes hot sauce as in warm/cooked Alfredo or red sauce. But he doesn’t like hot sauce in the sense of spicy, I hope you’re no longer confused.

39) Fred used to play piano/keyboard.

40) An old hobby of Fred’s was to wait until his mother came home from a long day at work, then spray her with a garden hose, then say, “Guess work didn’t suck after all!”

41) Fred will not tell me any actual facts about himself.

42) Fred wants me to go to hell.

43) Fred loves to eat a lot of food.

44) Fred thought this was something for me to make up and that I wasn’t going to ask actual facts from him. (My telling him to give me legit facts started at #41)

45) Fred’s favorite explanation of a proxy server is this: “Well, all it does is get you around a firewall. Picture a van full of Mexicans, the border is the firewall, the Mexicans are the data and the van is the proxy server.”

46) Fred does not like the neck beard.

47) Fred did not like the original fact #47 here. It is now this one.

48) Fred’s friends think he is Iron Man because they’re certain Fred invented Jarvis.

49) Fred has an unhealthy obsession with Cortana from Halo. “I’d go right through her!”

50) Fred doesn’t care about these facts. Fred likes them because everyone calls him telling him, “yeah, I can see that.” At least one of his friends is doing it now.

There’s no way to describe the process of how The Noble King came into power. The Noble Kings walked his land and had power over all those under him; however he had done nothing to claim his throne. The Noble King did not come to power by vote; there was no election or distinct form of bureaucracy that made the decision of him becoming their King. The Noble King did not come to power by strength or numbers; he never fought a battle, never witnessed a war and never once showed dominance over anyone. The Noble King does not have an army, to quote him, “Holding an army begs for unnecessary violence.” The Noble King was his title, it was not the title he may have wished for, but it was the title he earned.

The Noble King never once demanded money, goods, or land. Money was never a problem, as he once said, “It is unfair for a King to hold power if he cannot provide for himself.” Ne never asked for goods. He earned, bought, or traded for any goods he needed. It was a just and fair system. Never once did The Noble King take another man’s land, “Taking one’s land is taking one’s life.” The Noble King only asked for one thing from his people, a tall order from those who he held power, “Defend me until death.”

Death did not occur often in his Kingdom. Never once was violence an issue in his Kingdom. Anyone that committed any sort of crime or act of violence knew they would have to deal directly with The Noble King. What he would do or how he would react was unknown. His people knew it would be wise to avoid any confrontation, for fear of what would happen to them if he had to confront them. It was this same reason The Noble King had no opponents, for the fear of the unknown is enough to keep a man from crossing him.

However noble of a King he was, he could not stop the natural process of death from occurring. His people would grow old and pass on, leaving their children behind to continue the cycle. Whenever one of his people passed on, he would give them the respect of a King. Their casket would be carried down the main street of town on a horse drawn carriage. Every single person from town would line the funeral route. They would not hold their hands over their hearts, nor mourn their death; rather, the people would stand tall and proud, cheering and applauding, as the carriage was carried down Main Street. The people were not applauding the death itself; rather, applauding a life well lived, giving those who passed on one last hurrah before they slept forever.

One day a man came to town. This was nothing new or far from the ordinary for this town. Whenever a new person came to town, The Noble King made it his person errand to greet whoever it was to town and welcome them to his Kingdom. Never once had an ounce of confrontation ever occurred in one of these instances. The visitor would come to town, The Noble King would greet them and within a day or two, the visitor would leave town on their own accord. However, the people knew this would not happen this time, for there was something strange about this man. It was too difficult to describe, there was something not right about this man, something was off. He swayed as he moved a slow, mopey pace to his walk, it looked depressing. As we walked though, he held his head high, and you could see it in his face, he was a man with pride and he was here for no good.

As standard procedure, The Noble King heard from word of mouth that there was someone new in town, he also heard that this person is different, there’s something not right. The Noble King made it his personal errand to his people to investigate. From his Castle, that stood on a small hill located on a jut of land out of the eastern shore and into the bay, the Noble King walked westward directly to the center of town. Down the beaten dirt path that served as Main Street the Noble King passed several houses and farmlands, as well as the graveyard. It was this route the King was walking that is the same as, but the reverse of, the funeral route. Up and down the rolling hills, he walked about two and a half miles before coming to the stretch of Main Street that served as the Center of Town. In the center of town stood a church, tall and proud it was, lurching high upon the hill in the center of town, its steeple stood a full sixty feet above the ground and was easily the tallest object for as far as the eye could see. Main Street led all the way from the Noble King’s castle directly to the front door of the church. From there two spate roads split off from the church, one heading to the North and another South. It was on this Southern Path that the strange man walked, slowly, towards the church.

The Noble King walked forward toward the man, never once breaking stride, never once showing fear and never once showing dominance, rather The Noble King walked forward with confidence and power. The man, in his mopey depressive walk, approached The Noble King. The entire town was in the center to witness this, surrounding the buildings around the area, in the streets and crowding in front of the church they stood. Through thick and through thin these people would stand by their Noble King, the strange man gave them the feeling this confrontation would be the former of the two. At the point of their meeting two things happened. First, the King reached his hand out in order to shake hands with the strange man. The strange man did not respond to this, rather the second happened; the strange man looked directly into the eyes of The Noble King and said simply, “I came for you.” The Noble King calmly and coolly responded, “Well here I am.”

The town remained silent. All one thousand members of town surrounded the crossroads at the church where the strange man and The Noble King stood. The strange man took a step forward, standing so close that the strange man was rubbing against The Noble King, and whispering into the King’s ear he said, “By the end of this day, you will be dead.” Even with the town so silent that you could hear a pin drop from one hundred feet away, no one, except The Noble King, heard what was said. The Noble King, now looking forward over the strange man’s right shoulder, without even a thought at glimpsing toward him, pivoted on his right foot and swung his left leg 180 degrees around behind him, so that The Noble King was now facing directly away from this strange man. Never a look of fear, never showing dominance and never showing weakness, The Noble King started to walk away from the strange man in the direction of his castle.
The strange man started to laugh, evilly and maniacally, he screams, “Run in fear coward! Show these people your true colors! Hide like the rat you are!” The Noble King stops in his tracks, only about 20 paces away from the strange man, with his back to the strange man. The Noble King knows the entire town is watching this event unfold and all eyes are on him. The Noble King doesn’t move an inch, doesn’t show a hint of weakness and does not show a hint of dominance. The Noble King shouts, “’Til Death!!!” and continues to walk away. The strange man stands in the center of town perplexed, the crowd starts to chant, “’Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!!” The strange man looks around as the crowd slowly collapses around him, a circle has formed and there’s no escape. The people still chant, “’Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!! ‘Till Death!!!” A deafening, thundering tone among them, each chant becoming louder and louder than the first, “’Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!!”

As The Noble King makes his way back to the castle, the chant becomes weaker and weaker as he walks further and further away. He does not need to know what will happen to the strange man, nor does he care, it’s for his people to decide.

1. Fred once jacked off a cow, yes a cow, for scientific purposes.

2. Like Saturn and Jupiter, the vast majority of Fred is composed of superheated Liquid Metallic Hydrogen.

3. Once Fred becomes President, he’s going to create a day that doesn’t end in “Y,” just to get rid of those stupid sayings.

4. Fred is unaware of the sport Tennis.

5. Fred was quite upset when he found out the movie “Lady and the Tramp,” was not about him.

6. When/if you manage to break Fred’s arms or legs, they will start glowing like glow-sticks.

7. Fred has never been, nor ever plans to, visit a McDonald’s Restaurant.

8. Fred started a record company back in 1996. He has yet to produce, write, create, sign, design, unsign, advertise, fire, hire, or kill any bands yet.

9. Fred drives like an old woman.

10. When Fred was in North Carolina, he was bit by a brown recluse spider and nearly lost his left nipple.

11. Fred hates the words: blog, vlog, cockchute, parrallelogram, craisin, collide, fallacy, chastity, aphex, trillobite, geriatric, Krakatoa, yuan-ti, ziggurat, magnification, fibromyalgia, gracious, and Joe.

12. Fred is not known for being very nutritious, however, the label does state that he has Low Sodium.

13. Fred is a very well known and highly accomplished ballroom dancer.

14. After hearing the urban legend about the woman hatching cockroaches in her tongue after licking envelopes, Fred attempted to hatch cockroaches in his tongue.

15. Baked, boiled, burned, frozen, fried or raw, it doesn’t matter, Fred loves cake.

16. Fred spent his entire freshman year at college laughing at his roommates that were stuck eating ramen the whole year, because Fred doesn’t have to eat to survive.

17. When Fred masturbates in public, everyone stops to applaud.

18. Fred would like someone to explain to him what “Youtube” is.

19. Fred sued General Mills over the Trix slogan, “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!” The reason for it is because the term “Silly rabbit” is a racial slur against Fred’s. General Mills has agreed to settle out of court.

20. Fred has broken 17 monitors from attempting to add his own style of “bullets” into Microsoft Word documents or presentations.

21. When Fred was little he heard the word “blowjob,” but didn’t know what it meant, so he asked his mom, “What’s a blowjob,” to which she replied, “A necklace and $50″

22. Fred started the fire after the 1906 earthquake in San Fransisco. A newspaper has him quoted as saying, “You really only get an opportunity like this once in a lifetime.”

23. Fred has started over 200 fires in his lifetime, to which each time various newspapers have him quoted as saying, “You really only get an opportunity like this once in a lifetime.”

24. Because Fred is immortal, there is no concept of a lifetime.

25. Fred is quite upset that there is no perfect middle in any lists that consist of an even number of items.

26. Fred has never failed a test, but plenty of tests have failed Fred.

27. When Fred fired several hundred rounds into a crowd of “Twilight” fans, no one was injured, however, he somehow managed to kill the only person that truly appreciated the show “Dark Angel.”

28. It is physically impossible for Fred to perform a pull-up.

29. Fred’s penis has roughly the same mass as Uranus.

30. Fred has never been wrong in guessing which side a coin will land on.

31. Fred wrote the guitar part for the song “Cthulhu Dawn” on a napkin and “accidentally lost it” in Paul Allender’s pants pocket.

32. The television show “Jersey Shore” is a very accurate description of Fred’s life.

33. If you kick Fred in the shin, you will explode.

34. Fred loves to fart as loudly as possible in work environments, then yell violently.

35. The Devil sold Fred a boxed set of Yanni CD’s. Fred cried for days over how beautiful it was.

36. Fred will get you pregnant regardless of the pills, condoms, or techniques you use. Also, the child will be beautiful and you will love it.

37. His dad once walked down the street nude with Fred to prove his point, “Cops wont do shit to you if you just flail you penis wildly.”

38. Fred is Kathy’s best friend, her mom said so.

39. Suicide has contemplated Fred.

40. Fred is a CDMA tower for Verizon.

41. Fred won American Idol in 2003, check the facts.

42. The Zombie Apocalypse was temporarily postponed due to the fact Fred did not have the time to deal with it. Zombies have returned to their graves and a future time is currently being scheduled.

43. Fred is not allowed to play any games that do not involve shooting, being shot, or both.

44. Fred has been on the cover of Wheaties, SI, Cosmo, US Weekly, Vogue, and Playboy.

45. Fred makes his own ice cream called, “Fred’s Homemade Delicious Frozen Cream”

46. Fred is currently married to Hayden Panetteire, sorry ladies/guys.

47. Fred cannot operate a motorized vehicle if it’s in reverse.

48. Fred refuses to drink from a cup and will only drink from the bottle. In the case of fast food restaurants and 7/11′s, he drinks straight from the dispenser.

49. The reason that I write 50 of these is unknown, Fred lost interest and all comical value around number 30.

50. Fred is secretly a hick and really badly wants to own a John Deere.

Fred is having trouble writing about the past, in the present tense first person.

Joe:
So we’re sitting here talking shit about people, and man I gotta say this is hilarious. For some reason Joe has this fucking skunk tail of a haircut going on and wearing tights and I gotta say he looks like a pile of fuck. Anyway, I need to get back to triple-five and get some programming done on Naomi, peace.

Is it really that hard?

Fred:
*stabs joe in the face* I am enjoying this, the color of the blood leaking through the newly made hole is reminiscent of a river flowing in the early spring being fed by the rush of melting snow and Ice. “Good bye” I say as I pull out the knife and extend my leg to kick Joe in the chest. Yes Joe, This is SPARTA!

Joe:
“Listen here,” I say to Fred with the canter of a schoolchild finding a quarter on the ground on his way to class, “Fuck your shit you twat.” I claimed that I shall not fall so easily to the bastardized abomination that is Fred, so I countered his kick to my chest by shoving his massive boot off to the side and thrust my dagger into his heart shouting, “TODAY IS A FINE DAY TO DIE.”

Fred:
Oh so Joe thinks he can win that easily, I grab Joe’s dagger from my chest, “You forget I had that useless organ removed years ago, and you are right Today is a fine day to die, let me know how it feels!” As I swing the dagger across Joe’s throat, the blood erupts like Mt. Vesuvius on that faithful day where Pompeii was destroyed. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson Joe. Never Cross me.”

Joe:
Fred’s a foolish man, the blood he sees flying is not that of any mortal, it is the blood of a tyrant of the feast. The shining star of a neon green fountain of Mountain Dew streams out of my flesh and covers Fred’s newly pressed trench coat in the sugary goodness of my sweet blood. Taking a swig of my life-blood I laugh loudly and proclaim, “Best check your shit, My death will never come!”

Fred:
I am filled with Joy, at Joe’s latest divulgement of information, I now know that I can commence an eternity of torture, on this insolent fool. I grab Joe by the flesh of his arm, and fling him into a steel cage like some kind of animal. “Enjoy your new home Joe, you will live there for sometime, and in may places. First stop, the Lava pits” I am filled with glee, finally some real entertainment

Joe:
Watching Fred gloat has me wrapped up in anger and fear for what is to come, but oh, what is this sitting here? Ha! I shout at Fred with the confidence of a man who’s just escaped death for the tenth time

“Filled with glee?
Ha! A fool is thee!
left on the floor
is but the Key!”

I release myself from the wretched cage and walk straight up to Fred’s massive frame watching the smirk wiped from his face, “One day Fred, one day you shall have your wish.”

Fred:
Just one more step Joe…SUCCESS, I quickly reach into my pocket and push the shiny red button. Oh yes THAT BUTTON. All of a sudden the floor drops from below Joe, like a Saturday morning cartoon. The look on Joe’s face was priceless as he realized what was happening. “See you later Joe.” Joe’s body descended rapidly down the seemingly never ending shaft, on his way to Ohio, where he cannot use his debit card, and it will take him days to return. Life is good.

Joe:
Falling down this never ending tunnel towards doom I look to the sky and think to myself, “Those bastards at Staples were right… that WAS easy.” Letting the doom come to me, however, is not an option, I call in a favor to the almighty himself and ask, “God, I need a fucking dew.”

His response is less than favorable, “Dude, just go to the store, it’s not that fucking hard, plus, I’m on my coffee break.”

This is going to be a long day…

Yesterday I chilled out with the Emperor, or as I will continue to call him, Fred. We discussed plans on re-taking over Russia and it’s outlying countries to reform the USSR to pick up where our lord Stalin left off, but then we realized Obama is going to become president, and he’d fuck our shit up if we tried anything. We decide instead that our move will be to take over a less important area that wont get our asses kicked by the anti-terrorist government of the USA, so we’re going after Delaware. No one gives a fuck about Delaware, so we’re going to take it over… eventually.

I picked up my magic cards from Fred as well and paid the man his money, bought subs, played Halo, went home and drank some Dew.

Today I bought some Dunny’s, a CD by a band called, “Screaming Weasel” titled BOOGADABOOGADABOOGADA… it’s alright skater punk stuff, nothing new or amazing though.

Now I’m blogging and probably going to sort the 1000 magic cards and kill myself or something.

I haven’t done many updates on the empire recently, well, to be technical I don’t think I’ve actually done any updates on the empire, and to be even more truthful, I’m not even sure if I’ve ever even talked about the empire at all. Either way, I’m going to rant about it.

The Empire is a pile of crap. Fred keeps making us pay taxes for living and working in his Empire, however, being the unborn bacteria commonly found in cow shit that he is, he only wants us to pay him in, “unmarked life goal vouchers.” What in the fuck is one of those? It sounds like something you find in the bottom of a well after someone received one for jugging cats in the middle of a dog fighting ring with chicken tenders hanging off their testicles, to then realize it’s a shitty piece of paper so they threw it away along with their dignity.

And how the fuck are we going to pay taxes for this wretched empire if no one knows where the fuck it is? I could be standing in the center of it right now, or that massive shit I just took could have contained the entire empire, but because Fred doesn’t say shit about anything, we have to assume that yes, we are in his empire at all times and we never left it so that he doesn’t whine like a small child who’s mother was just run over by a van full of meth addicts. If I knew where the fuck this empire was I would probably be in work everyday 9-5 and not contemplating the fact that my Lord is a lunatic and I’m his fanatical side kid that he calls “Skippy.”

Also, he demands we work part time shifts according to his schedule, however, only Fred knows his fucking schedule and I’m not even sure I’ve worked a day in my life because he hasn’t even posted our work schedules. I’m sure Stalin didn’t control the USSR with an iron fist by praying everyone was telepathic and could read his mind so he wouldn’t have to announce his plans and have them explained in detail by some badger he calls a Commander. Fred needs to learn to announce his schedule and publish ours so that we’re not standing around confused like a bunch of nerds in a Lil’ Wayne music video.

Lastly and most importantly, what the fuck am I supposed to do to help the empire? There isn’t a damn thing that I do to help Fred and his empire much less myself. Sure plotting to take over the Heavens by killing God sounds great on paper, but then again we don’t have a ladder tall enough to scratch the ballsack of heaven much less pull a full assault on that Kingdom. At least King Henry had whores and farmers fucking him and harvesting his food at all times.

One of these days we’ll get this shit sorted out so I don’t have to rant about shit that doesn’t even exist, and maybe one day I’ll actually receive a damned paycheck instead of a fucking pat on the back.

Fred’s Follow Up:
Listen You will know what you need to know when you need to know it, I cannot be just giving out fucking secrets for you to go blabbing about to attempt to get into some girl(from the internet)’s pants because you think it makes you fucking special. That is all.
Your Emperor,
~Animalistic