1) Fred once lost a tooth eating an Oreo.

2) Fred was the black man in those “The man your man could smell like” Old Spice commercials.

3) Fred starred in an episode of “What’s New Scooby Doo.” It never made it to air due to “too much graphic violence.”

4) Fred once wore a samurai outfit into a Chinese restaurant while screaming “HOW NOW BROWN COW?!” They gave him a free egg roll.

5) Fred claims that if you watch the movie “Sideways” while laying on your side, nothing happens.

6) Carly Simon wrote a song about Fred. She wont admit it’s about him, but will finally confirm the rumor in about 40 years.

7) Late last year Fred walked into a bar, punched a man in the face, pissed on his unconscious body, then had sex with his girlfriend. In an unrelated story, Snooki from Jersey Shore is now pregnant.

8. Fred told me to write that last one in hopes you would Google whether or not Snooki is pregnant.

9) Fred just used Google to see if she really is pregnant by some odd coincidence.

10) Fred cannot count past 13,891.

11) Fred thought the movie “The Descent” was decent.

12) Fred thought “Gangster’s Paradise” was a parody of Weird Al’s “Amish Paradise” stating the following: “Have you seen Coolio’s hair?”

13) Fred whistles every time he updates his twitter. No one finds this strange.

14) Fred is not easily offended. He really is not. Just don’t say anything bad about his hair.

15) Fred likes his music like he likes his coffee, with more Cream.

16) Fred thinks The Moody Blues are the depressive part of the color spectrum. He’s right.

17) Fred wrote a poem once. It was very, well, read it for yourself:
Give You Basil Joseph
Me Just Tomatoes Is
Four Said Pasta A
Words Them Onions Tool

18) Whether you know it or not, Fred has had intercourse with your parents. Even the dead ones.

19) Freds are known to have rabies if you see them out in the daytime.

20) Fred thinks it’s horrifying and hilarious that AIDS is the ultimate irony.

21) Fred wants you to look at his horse, his horse is amazing. If you give it a lick, it tastes just like raisins.

22) Fred owns a pawn shop. Specifically, he just sells the chess pieces. Business is booming.

23) Fred’s hair is the reason the Italians invented Angel Hair pasta.

24) Fred’s the kind of asshole that builds a mansion in the middle of a trailer park and calls those that live around him “peons.”

25) Fred refers to his buttocks as “the back woods.”

26) Clothes lines are no longer being used these days because 1) no one wants to hang up their underwear outdoors. 2) Fred shoots clothes with paint balls. 3) Perverts, like Fred.

27) It’s a nightly ritual for Fred to masturbate to Creedence Clearwater Revival before going to bed.

28) Fred was pulling money out of his pocket when he dropped a dollar bill on the ground. He picked up 4 quarters.

29) The state of Connecticut was founded on the values of Fred. This makes no sense.

30) Fred does not know how to open fences.

31) Fred knows how magnets work.

32) If Fred had a nickel for every time he had a nickel, the world would implode.

33) In a category 5 hurricane, the sustained wind speed of the hurricane must be at least 155.4 Miles Per Hour (250km/h), measured over one minute of time at 32feet 9.7inches (10m) above ground. Fred wanted you to know this.

34) Fred is the inventor of mono-surround sound systems. I’ll give you a minute.

35) Fred cannot tell a joke, they usually turn out like this: One day a bird was singing. A guy walked over and said, “I don’t understand tweeting.”

36) Fred has never been to a concert. He doesn’t understand how they work.

37) Fred does not like hot sauce, but he likes hot sauce.

38) Fred want me to explain the last one, Fred likes hot sauce as in warm/cooked Alfredo or red sauce. But he doesn’t like hot sauce in the sense of spicy, I hope you’re no longer confused.

39) Fred used to play piano/keyboard.

40) An old hobby of Fred’s was to wait until his mother came home from a long day at work, then spray her with a garden hose, then say, “Guess work didn’t suck after all!”

41) Fred will not tell me any actual facts about himself.

42) Fred wants me to go to hell.

43) Fred loves to eat a lot of food.

44) Fred thought this was something for me to make up and that I wasn’t going to ask actual facts from him. (My telling him to give me legit facts started at #41)

45) Fred’s favorite explanation of a proxy server is this: “Well, all it does is get you around a firewall. Picture a van full of Mexicans, the border is the firewall, the Mexicans are the data and the van is the proxy server.”

46) Fred does not like the neck beard.

47) Fred did not like the original fact #47 here. It is now this one.

48) Fred’s friends think he is Iron Man because they’re certain Fred invented Jarvis.

49) Fred has an unhealthy obsession with Cortana from Halo. “I’d go right through her!”

50) Fred doesn’t care about these facts. Fred likes them because everyone calls him telling him, “yeah, I can see that.” At least one of his friends is doing it now.

2. Like Saturn and Jupiter, the vast majority of Fred is composed of superheated Liquid Metallic Hydrogen.

3. Once Fred becomes President, he’s going to create a day that doesn’t end in “Y,” just to get rid of those stupid sayings.

4. Fred is unaware of the sport Tennis.

5. Fred was quite upset when he found out the movie “Lady and the Tramp,” was not about him.

6. When/if you manage to break Fred’s arms or legs, they will start glowing like glow-sticks.

7. Fred has never been, nor ever plans to, visit a McDonald’s Restaurant.

8. Fred started a record company back in 1996. He has yet to produce, write, create, sign, design, unsign, advertise, fire, hire, or kill any bands yet.

9. Fred drives like an old woman.

10. When Fred was in North Carolina, he was bit by a brown recluse spider and nearly lost his left nipple.

11. Fred hates the words: blog, vlog, cockchute, parrallelogram, craisin, collide, fallacy, chastity, aphex, trillobite, geriatric, Krakatoa, yuan-ti, ziggurat, magnification, fibromyalgia, gracious, and Joe.

12. Fred is not known for being very nutritious, however, the label does state that he has Low Sodium.

13. Fred is a very well known and highly accomplished ballroom dancer.

14. After hearing the urban legend about the woman hatching cockroaches in her tongue after licking envelopes, Fred attempted to hatch cockroaches in his tongue.

15. Baked, boiled, burned, frozen, fried or raw, it doesn’t matter, Fred loves cake.

16. Fred spent his entire freshman year at college laughing at his roommates that were stuck eating ramen the whole year, because Fred doesn’t have to eat to survive.

17. When Fred masturbates in public, everyone stops to applaud.

18. Fred would like someone to explain to him what “Youtube” is.

19. Fred sued General Mills over the Trix slogan, “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!” The reason for it is because the term “Silly rabbit” is a racial slur against Fred’s. General Mills has agreed to settle out of court.

20. Fred has broken 17 monitors from attempting to add his own style of “bullets” into Microsoft Word documents or presentations.

21. When Fred was little he heard the word “blowjob,” but didn’t know what it meant, so he asked his mom, “What’s a blowjob,” to which she replied, “A necklace and $50″

22. Fred started the fire after the 1906 earthquake in San Fransisco. A newspaper has him quoted as saying, “You really only get an opportunity like this once in a lifetime.”

23. Fred has started over 200 fires in his lifetime, to which each time various newspapers have him quoted as saying, “You really only get an opportunity like this once in a lifetime.”

24. Because Fred is immortal, there is no concept of a lifetime.

25. Fred is quite upset that there is no perfect middle in any lists that consist of an even number of items.

26. Fred has never failed a test, but plenty of tests have failed Fred.

27. When Fred fired several hundred rounds into a crowd of “Twilight” fans, no one was injured, however, he somehow managed to kill the only person that truly appreciated the show “Dark Angel.”

28. It is physically impossible for Fred to perform a pull-up.

29. Fred’s penis has roughly the same mass as Uranus.

30. Fred has never been wrong in guessing which side a coin will land on.

31. Fred wrote the guitar part for the song “Cthulhu Dawn” on a napkin and “accidentally lost it” in Paul Allender’s pants pocket.

32. The television show “Jersey Shore” is a very accurate description of Fred’s life.

33. If you kick Fred in the shin, you will explode.

34. Fred loves to fart as loudly as possible in work environments, then yell violently.

35. The Devil sold Fred a boxed set of Yanni CD’s. Fred cried for days over how beautiful it was.

36. Fred will get you pregnant regardless of the pills, condoms, or techniques you use. Also, the child will be beautiful and you will love it.

37. His dad once walked down the street nude with Fred to prove his point, “Cops wont do shit to you if you just flail you penis wildly.”

38. Fred is Kathy’s best friend, her mom said so.

39. Suicide has contemplated Fred.

40. Fred is a CDMA tower for Verizon.

41. Fred won American Idol in 2003, check the facts.

42. The Zombie Apocalypse was temporarily postponed due to the fact Fred did not have the time to deal with it. Zombies have returned to their graves and a future time is currently being scheduled.

43. Fred is not allowed to play any games that do not involve shooting, being shot, or both.

44. Fred has been on the cover of Wheaties, SI, Cosmo, US Weekly, Vogue, and Playboy.

45. Fred makes his own ice cream called, “Fred’s Homemade Delicious Frozen Cream”

46. Fred is currently married to Hayden Panetteire, sorry ladies/guys.

47. Fred cannot operate a motorized vehicle if it’s in reverse.

48. Fred refuses to drink from a cup and will only drink from the bottle. In the case of fast food restaurants and 7/11′s, he drinks straight from the dispenser.

49. The reason that I write 50 of these is unknown, Fred lost interest and all comical value around number 30.

50. Fred is secretly a hick and really badly wants to own a John Deere.

Joe:
So we’re sitting here talking shit about people, and man I gotta say this is hilarious. For some reason Joe has this fucking skunk tail of a haircut going on and wearing tights and I gotta say he looks like a pile of fuck. Anyway, I need to get back to triple-five and get some programming done on Naomi, peace.

Is it really that hard?

Fred:
*stabs joe in the face* I am enjoying this, the color of the blood leaking through the newly made hole is reminiscent of a river flowing in the early spring being fed by the rush of melting snow and Ice. “Good bye” I say as I pull out the knife and extend my leg to kick Joe in the chest. Yes Joe, This is SPARTA!

Joe:
“Listen here,” I say to Fred with the canter of a schoolchild finding a quarter on the ground on his way to class, “Fuck your shit you twat.” I claimed that I shall not fall so easily to the bastardized abomination that is Fred, so I countered his kick to my chest by shoving his massive boot off to the side and thrust my dagger into his heart shouting, “TODAY IS A FINE DAY TO DIE.”

Fred:
Oh so Joe thinks he can win that easily, I grab Joe’s dagger from my chest, “You forget I had that useless organ removed years ago, and you are right Today is a fine day to die, let me know how it feels!” As I swing the dagger across Joe’s throat, the blood erupts like Mt. Vesuvius on that faithful day where Pompeii was destroyed. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson Joe. Never Cross me.”

Joe:
Fred’s a foolish man, the blood he sees flying is not that of any mortal, it is the blood of a tyrant of the feast. The shining star of a neon green fountain of Mountain Dew streams out of my flesh and covers Fred’s newly pressed trench coat in the sugary goodness of my sweet blood. Taking a swig of my life-blood I laugh loudly and proclaim, “Best check your shit, My death will never come!”

Fred:
I am filled with Joy, at Joe’s latest divulgement of information, I now know that I can commence an eternity of torture, on this insolent fool. I grab Joe by the flesh of his arm, and fling him into a steel cage like some kind of animal. “Enjoy your new home Joe, you will live there for sometime, and in may places. First stop, the Lava pits” I am filled with glee, finally some real entertainment

Joe:
Watching Fred gloat has me wrapped up in anger and fear for what is to come, but oh, what is this sitting here? Ha! I shout at Fred with the confidence of a man who’s just escaped death for the tenth time

“Filled with glee?
Ha! A fool is thee!
left on the floor
is but the Key!”

I release myself from the wretched cage and walk straight up to Fred’s massive frame watching the smirk wiped from his face, “One day Fred, one day you shall have your wish.”

Fred:
Just one more step Joe…SUCCESS, I quickly reach into my pocket and push the shiny red button. Oh yes THAT BUTTON. All of a sudden the floor drops from below Joe, like a Saturday morning cartoon. The look on Joe’s face was priceless as he realized what was happening. “See you later Joe.” Joe’s body descended rapidly down the seemingly never ending shaft, on his way to Ohio, where he cannot use his debit card, and it will take him days to return. Life is good.

Joe:
Falling down this never ending tunnel towards doom I look to the sky and think to myself, “Those bastards at Staples were right… that WAS easy.” Letting the doom come to me, however, is not an option, I call in a favor to the almighty himself and ask, “God, I need a fucking dew.”

His response is less than favorable, “Dude, just go to the store, it’s not that fucking hard, plus, I’m on my coffee break.”

This is going to be a long day…

I picked up my magic cards from Fred as well and paid the man his money, bought subs, played Halo, went home and drank some Dew.

Today I bought some Dunny’s, a CD by a band called, “Screaming Weasel” titled BOOGADABOOGADABOOGADA… it’s alright skater punk stuff, nothing new or amazing though.

Now I’m blogging and probably going to sort the 1000 magic cards and kill myself or something.

Fred counts up two, minus one. 2 1 3 2 4 3 5 4 6 5…. not 1 2 3 4 5, this is due to an error caused by inter-planar teleportation.

Fred is not a vampire. Vampires are Freds.

Fred created a law stating all rectangles must be squares

Fred doesn’t need to shower, for Fred is always clean. He only showers to blend in better with normal people.

Fred is illiterate. This is due to too much HTML and Java coding.

Fred cannot explain certain things to you in detail, you are just wrong. If Fred did explain, it would force your brain to explode, which is not a mess Fred is about to clean up.

Due to his sleep style, Fred constantly trips while sleeping.

Fred never becomes sick or has need for medicine, he only pretends.

Fred has created over 17 known languages. Sadly, no one can speak them.

Fred was once mistaken as being a tall Italian woman. This story, however, is false, because all Italian women are taller than Fred.

Fred doesn’t understand where the coding he wrote went wrong that made “Shirt and Tie” standard business wear.

Fred cannot feel hot or cold, nor can he properly detect North from South. Again, this is due to an error caused by inter-planar teleportation.

Fred never has everything he needs at any point in time, he will always forget something. This is what God decided to do to piss Fred off ever so slightly.

Fred is not God, nor is Fred the Devil, he’s the guy from Purgatory no one seems to mention, but now you know.

Fred is still slightly confused as to why he hasn’t made a working pencil out of AOL disks yet.

Fred can name every person he’s ever met. He chooses not to because it takes too long and is quite boring.

Fred’s screen name “Animal2k87″ constantly pisses him off, because he always forgets he was born in 3,087 BFCITAD, (Before Fred Changed It To Anno Domini, or better known as “B.C.”), and not 2,087.

As stated in the Bible, the world really was created only about 6,000 years ago. Fred just makes things older to make scientists feel worthwhile.

One time I was thirsty and Fred needed to pee, so I told Fred I’d take the piss for him if he’d get me the drink. Just after saying this I realized how stupid that was, however, Fred agreed to do just that. I peed for him and he got the drink. This qualifies as one of those things Fred cannot explain to you in detail.

Dewey did beat Truman, but Fred changed it around to prove that you really should just shut the fuck up.

Jack the Ripper never killed anyone. He did, however, sell Fred a Rolex out of a suitcase in New York.

Although it’s a popular belief, Fred cannot see or change the future. But he will go back in time and change certain things until he gets it right. That’s why when you read this in 2036 you’ll find out that Kennedy wasn’t assassinated, Rick Astley was President for 4 full terms because he never wanted to “give you up” and George W. Bush was aborted via the “Falcon Punch” method.

Fred wants you to know David Blaine really sucks at fake magic.

Fred cannot shuffle a deck of cards. This is another error caused by inter-planar teleportation.

Fred cannot fully explain inter-planar teleportation to you.

Fred can reproduce asexually. This is something he actually can explain to you in detail, but it is another error caused by inter-planar teleportation.

Fred knows every question to every answer.

Fred created the sport Cricket and unfortunately cannot fully explain that to you either.

Fred has permed his hair only once before and will continue to blame that on the 70′s.

Fred always has no idea what you’re talking about, but is constantly very lucky at guessing right about what to say every time you finish speaking to make you feel better about yourself.

Fred is 80plus certified.

Fred cannot fully explain to you how to make a paper airplane, this is actually due to the fact that Fred has no idea what paper is.

The Mayans really are crazy people hell bent on the number 12. Fred just decided to write that the day of destruction is 12/21/12 to make the Mayans seem smarter and more accurate.

Fred created daylight savings time to make your life just that much better.

Fred can fall up, but will not do it for you because, quote, “It hurts too much.”

Fred once fell asleep on the train, and is quite confused as to how he didn’t fall off while the train was in the tunnels.

Fred will bite through soda cans to drink them. This isn’t a show of dominance, he just doesn’t know how the tab thing works.

Fred cannot properly pronounce the word “solvent”

Fred has been contemplating for 3 years as to whether or not 50 Cent throwing money in a club while an Indian does a rain dance qualifies it as successfully “making it rain”

Fred tried to make it law that you need an appointment to talk to him, but he decided that the paperwork needed was too long and complicated, as well as involved something called “paper”

Fred wants to kill the man responsible for calling earphones “headphones”

Fred is in the process of suing the inventor of the computer mouse for the use of the phrase “point and click,” which he has already trademarked for the proper method of how to shoot a gun.

Fred cheats at Monopoly because he claims he can put his money into investments and CD’s that give him full control of the banks that hold your money. This results in him freezing your accounts, stealing all your assets and money, winning him the game every time.

Fred doesn’t believe in death, he claims everyone dissipates into the air instead. Oddly, this is his same theory on Global Warming.

Fred is upset at whoever it was’s fault that the word “fact” was miswritten from the word “Fred” and was much more widely accepted. (For those reading this in 2036, the word “Fred” was commonly written as “fact” back in the old days.)

Fred told me once that he was contemplating starting over again. I asked him why he wanted to recreate our current world, and he said “no no, I was talking about the pizza, that shit was good!”

Due to a recent rise in death of Art School students, Fred no longer can fully explain why we see colors.

For unknown reasons, after Fred talked with Ellen Degeneres he thought for many years the word “gay” meant “the love of women” and went around saying to every woman he met that he was gay. This created many social problems for Fred, but according to the women, “made the sex better”

Fred created the black plague to originally kill off the French, but then decided the earth would be better off without all the stupid people, resulting in everyone dying, except for Fred and a woman named Eve who were left to re-populate the world. Fred re-wrote a bunch of history to distort the facts to make it seem like not everyone died and that these two things happened at different times. Also, Fred is pissed at the person responsible for calling him “Adam” and making up that bullshit with the apple.