Joe, a loyal disciple

I’ve always thought I knew what love felt like, but now I can honestly say I know how it feels to be in love, and it feels good.

It feels good.

Ever given thought to certain things like, why do I enjoy watching people cry? Sure, you might not be as disturbed as me, but I have a passion in watching people cry. Whether it be some kid getting knocked the fuck out after falling off his skateboard, a girl crying after her boyfriend dumped her because she’s a slut, or even a child at the mall crying its eyes out in the stroller. I love to hear people cry.

However, making people cry, it’s the complete opposite, and I don’t mean hitting them or anything physical to make them cry, I mean intense emotional harm type deal. That is quite possibly the most painful experience in the world, because in making someone cry this way, you have to know them one way or another, which really doesn’t help your situation. Watching this person you care about, this person you love so much, watching them bawl their eyes out while you just stand there. You have no idea what to say and all you want is for them to stop, but no, they continue to sit there crying, pouring out all their emotion and it wont stop. Whatever it is you’ve done, it hurts.

You start feeling horrible, standing there watching this person cry and cry. Your emotions are starting to rip through you, sorrow, regret and then, all of a sudden, this sharp pain starts ripping through your chest, your muscles everywhere stiffen up and all of a sudden, this person’s crying starts to physically hurt. You’re watching this person cry and it hurts emotionally and physically and it’s not even you that’s hurt and crying, imagine their pain.

What have you done? Does it even matter at this point? They’re sitting there crying and there’s nothing you can do. It’s like watching your mother bleed to death and you can only watch, it’s horrifying. However, instead of death consuming them, this person, here, crying, will continue to live with this pain. Nothing you can ever do will remove this thought, this feeling, this pain from their memory. When they think about you, they’ll think about this moment, as much as they wish they wouldn’t have to remember this memory when they think of you, they will.

I thought you liked to hear people cry Joe, what the hell? I do, I love it, but I hate it when I’m the one that does it, and you know why? Most of the times I’ve made someone cry is because I’d do as a please, I wouldn’t think, and I’d do whatever I wanted at the spur of the moment. This has hurt a lot of girls in many ways.

The point here is you need to think. Not play out all the possible scenarios in your head, but to seriously sit there and think. Is what I’m doing wrong? Is someone going to end up hurt? Emotions aren’t games, they’re real, and they’re superbly linked to our memory. When someone feels hate or pain, do you really want them to be thinking of you? You can prevent it by thinking first and acting second.

Take a moment out of your day and ask yourself, “Is what I am doing right?”

-Joe
From: Thoughts on ex-girlfriends and past troubles I’ve experienced

1. Steph used to work for Ring Ling Brothers as the girl that was shot out of a cannon into a net. She stopped working after breaking her knees on a miss-fired attempt.

2. Because of the previous, Steph walks with a very awkward limp.

3. Steph has never been to grade school. She immediately went to college from the circus. All her paperwork is forged.

4. The Pittsburgh Pirate’s mascot is based on Steph

5. Although she is very good at photography, Steph can’t frame a wall.

6. A basic Hammer from The Home Depot weighs more than Steph.

7. Steph is only 12.

8. Steph is fluent in French as well as Swahili. She can’t read English.

9. After last year’s 4th of July fiasco, Steph is no longer allowed in Shaw’s supermarkets.

10. Steph was fired from the Broadway Show, “Jesus Christ Superstar,” for breaking the 4th wall.

11. Steph is currently in talks with Calvin Klein about making a perfume from her sweat.

12. Although Steph is Puerto Rican, she does not own a switchblade.

13. Steph can cook burritos, tacos, pasta, rice-a-roni, steamed vegetables and even scoop ice cream in her sleep.

14. Steph was featured in a Superman comic nearly 40 years before she was born.

15. It is physically impossible for Steph to multitask.

16. Steph has whitewater rafted in the Grand Canyon 4 separate times.

17. Although she’s not aware of it yet, NASA is planning to send Steph to Mars.

18. Steph still watches Spongebob on a daily basis, again, she’s only 12.

19. Steph cannot consume an entire 40, she is too small.

20. Steph was an agent for the NKVD.

21. Obama recently wrote a law stating all “You Must Be This Tall To Ride” signs must be replaced with life size cutouts of Steph.

22. After radiation testing in an undisclosed location in New Mexico, Steph has become deaf, but can hear through telepathy.

23. At a very young age Steph was locked in an old refrigerator, or at least this is the excuse she uses for needing to always be warm.

24. Steph won the lottery two years ago at age 10, she no longer has any need for money.

25. Steph is not Mexican.

26. Steph’s shirt size is extra small. Kids extra small.

27. The Movie “Gone With The Wind” is an accurate description of Steph’s life.

28. Steph once killed a man in a violent drug related fight. As stereotypical as that sounds, it’s because this guy was in a PCP rage pummeling a cop and Steph grabbed the officer’s gun and fired three rounds into the attacker.

29. Steph shoots straight, not “gangsta” style, again, she used to be an NKVD agent.

30. Steph does not smoke. She has never inhaled. She did not have sexual relations with that woman.

31. Steph detests pancakes.

32. When asked which is better, Mac or PC, Steph responded, “I’ve never heard of the makeup brand PC”

33. At one point in her life, Steph’s diet consisted of only Pizza, Mexican food and alcohol.

34. Steph would still look adorable even if she was forced to wear a burlap sack.

35. Steph surgically removed her left kidney. No anesthesia, she likes it rough.

36. Steph’s motto is “Condoms are for sluts too stupid to take pills.”

37. One time, Steph’s mom bought her a bottle of Jack to brush her teeth with.

38. Steph recently won a law suit against R. Kelly involving urination.

39. Several awards have been given to Steph for photography. All of them were for being the first person to photograph Conan O’Brien in his new pornography career. (We miss you Coco!)

40. The pirate Blackbeard was known to have been a big fan of Steph.

41. Some cultures find Steph taboo.

42. Steph almost managed to get her own television show, however, she was beat by Dora the Explorer.

43. Steph can one shot a brownie, that is, eat an entire brownie at once, without breaking off a piece.

44. Steph flies for free, she is small enough to be her own carry on.

45. DMX’s “Rough Ryders Anthem” is older than Steph.

46. Steph was featured in The Lost Episode of “Is It A Good Idea To Microwave This?”

47. John Goodman officially adopted Steph in 2002.

48. As an unwanted result from a recent lawsuit, Steph is now in possession of several pallets of crudely painted not so funny plywood cutout folk art.

49. Steph has never robbed a bank, however, she is the notorious “Chipotle Burrito Thief.”

50. Steph fought at the battle of Antietam. There were no survivors.

Please take a quick minute to view the original lists of 50 Here and Version Two.

1. Amanda became pregnant with Robert Pattinson’s child midway through watching “New Moon.” She previously had Rupert Grint’s child after seeing “Order of the Phoenix.”

2. Amanda’s hair can be used to cure cancer, but she will never cut it.

3. In a little known fact, Amanda lost the spot of “Carla” to Penelope Cruz in the movie “Nine.” This is because the writers felt that someone with no talent was better suited for the part.

4. It’s physically impossibly for Amanda to swing a baseball bat.

5. The only time Amanda was drunk “under the table,” was when she was about to finish out-drinking Paulie Shore at an MIT frat party, but the vast amount of liquor she ingested bloated her to the point that her chair broke. A rematch is scheduled for this summer.

6. Amanda actually understands the concept and plot of the movie “K-Pax.”

7. Amanda has only been paid for sexual favors twice.

8. Charlie Daniels can’t out-play Amanda in the fiddle.

9. Although his death was deemed suicide, Amanda is the one who shot Dead. (CAUTION GRAPHIC CONTENT; See: Mayhem)

10. Although currently untreatable, Amanda survives and lives a strong life while suffering from the effects of Restless Leg Syndrome.

11. Amanda is allergic to boys that don’t call back the next day.

12. After a traumatic childhood incident, Amanda can no longer visit Corbin, Kentucky.

13. The Milky Way Galaxy was named after Amanda’s super smooth skin.

14. Every time Amanda orders takeout, she has to use someone else’s phone, because too many times have delivery men tried to get her on a date shortly after getting her number.

15. Amanda is very annoying when she’s drunk. She makes up for it by being adorable.

16. Amanda loves to watch Cubs fans cry.

17. Amanda was arrested for Indecent Exposure in the Vatican back in 2006. She was set free after the Pope deemed it “hot.”

18. No one is actually sure if Amanda likes to cuddle. A recent New York Times Poll found 68% say Yes

19. Amanda has been videotaped and mistaken several times for being the Loch-Ness Monster. It yet to be determined why, Government Conspiracy is the popular belief.

20. Amanda figured out a way to fit vinyl records into her CD drive to rip them to iTunes.

21. Amanda Sweeney is the goddamn Batman.

22. Phil Collins wants Amanda to understand he feels it coming in the air tonight.

23. Amanda had a very awkward childhood before she changed her middle name from Shauna. (It’s an A.S.S. Joke)

24. Every time Amanda walks past a group of brothers, they all look at her and say, “Damn girl! You fly!” She will go home with no less than 3 phone numbers.

25. Amanda is the best cook ever, if your favorite meal can be microwaved, cooked on a George Foreman grill, Baked in an oven for no more than 28 minutes and/or ordered via takeout.

26. Amanda would rather prefer it if everyone said “Hi” to her before professing their love to her.

27. Law and Order SVU is Amanda’s favorite show. She knows more about that show than she does herself. It’s well known that she can name all the cast members in under a minute.

28. Amanda Sweeney created the Blackjack Taco for Taco Bell.

29. Amanda Sweeney never has and never will, work for a photography company, bookstore, or coffee shop.

30. Boston University almost expelled Amanda Sweeney for being “too much of a distraction” to male students.

31. Amanda Sweeney has a pet bear, raccoon, squirrel, 3 fish, one flamingo and two porcupines. They’re all named Ralphie.

32. Freddy Mercury wrote a song about Amanda’s life called, “Don’t Stop Me Now.” He was stating Amanda’s blatant homosexuality.

33. Yesmin and Annalyn are still mad at Amanda for her bringing them to my house, quote, “Dude’s a fucking creeper Amanda, what were you thinking?!”

34. Amanda prefers long walks on the beach, love songs, and quality time together rather than partying.

35. Amanda Sweeney hates when people ask her what style of music her favorite musician John Mayer plays. She usually refers the idiots to Let Me Google That For You (It’s really not that hard to learn to Google.)

36. Over the summer, Amanda won a fist fight with the ground after a long night of drinking.

37. Amanda once sat on a plate full of ketchup on one of Boston’s Luxurious Cruise Ships. It was deemed a party foul and adorable.

38. Amanda fought the law and the law won, until she sued because the police used excessive force. Her lawyer released a statement saying, “They didn’t need to cuff her, she would have given them her number if they simply asked.”

39. Amanda is an illegal immigrant from Sweden, she masks her accent well.

40. Amanda has never had a cavity. Flossing daily, brushing at a minimum twice a day and Listerine all help her keep those pearly whites shining.

41. Amanda was a professional race horse jockey from ages 6-14. She unfortunately is too tall for racing now, but she still competes in regular equestrian trials.

42. After years of research Amanda was finally able to name a rare disease. She discovered Aspergers.

43. Although she was born a Scorpio, she is known to say some very Aries things.

44. Amanda has, on several occasions, laughed hysterically in the face of boys that asked for her number.

45. Amanda can change the channel by simply staring at the TV.

46. When roaming through the jungles of Cambodia, Amanda saved an entire village by killing a wild boar with her bare hands and offering it to them as food.

47. Sylvester Stallone’s character in the Rambo films is a fairly accurate description of Amanda during “that time of the month.”

48. Amanda is trying to bring back 50’s fashion. This is mostly because the 50’s featured tons of maternity wear and she’s on her second baby.

49. Amanda is incredibly loud, you can hear her from miles away. She is currently hired by the state of Minnesota to act as their backup bomb-raid sirens, just in case the systems fail.

50. After years of searching, Amanda discovered the meaning of life. She scrapped that idea almost instantly after finding out “Boy hunting” is not the meaning of life.

1. Fred once jacked off a cow, yes a cow, for scientific purposes.

2. Like Saturn and Jupiter, the vast majority of Fred is composed of superheated Liquid Metallic Hydrogen.

3. Once Fred becomes President, he’s going to create a day that doesn’t end in “Y,” just to get rid of those stupid sayings.

4. Fred is unaware of the sport Tennis.

5. Fred was quite upset when he found out the movie “Lady and the Tramp,” was not about him.

6. When/if you manage to break Fred’s arms or legs, they will start glowing like glow-sticks.

7. Fred has never been, nor ever plans to, visit a McDonald’s Restaurant.

8. Fred started a record company back in 1996. He has yet to produce, write, create, sign, design, unsign, advertise, fire, hire, or kill any bands yet.

9. Fred drives like an old woman.

10. When Fred was in North Carolina, he was bit by a brown recluse spider and nearly lost his left nipple.

11. Fred hates the words: blog, vlog, cockchute, parrallelogram, craisin, collide, fallacy, chastity, aphex, trillobite, geriatric, Krakatoa, yuan-ti, ziggurat, magnification, fibromyalgia, gracious, and Joe.

12. Fred is not known for being very nutritious, however, the label does state that he has Low Sodium.

13. Fred is a very well known and highly accomplished ballroom dancer.

14. After hearing the urban legend about the woman hatching cockroaches in her tongue after licking envelopes, Fred attempted to hatch cockroaches in his tongue.

15. Baked, boiled, burned, frozen, fried or raw, it doesn’t matter, Fred loves cake.

16. Fred spent his entire freshman year at college laughing at his roommates that were stuck eating ramen the whole year, because Fred doesn’t have to eat to survive.

17. When Fred masturbates in public, everyone stops to applaud.

18. Fred would like someone to explain to him what “Youtube” is.

19. Fred sued General Mills over the Trix slogan, “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!” The reason for it is because the term “Silly rabbit” is a racial slur against Fred’s. General Mills has agreed to settle out of court.

20. Fred has broken 17 monitors from attempting to add his own style of “bullets” into Microsoft Word documents or presentations.

21. When Fred was little he heard the word “blowjob,” but didn’t know what it meant, so he asked his mom, “What’s a blowjob,” to which she replied, “A necklace and $50″

22. Fred started the fire after the 1906 earthquake in San Fransisco. A newspaper has him quoted as saying, “You really only get an opportunity like this once in a lifetime.”

23. Fred has started over 200 fires in his lifetime, to which each time various newspapers have him quoted as saying, “You really only get an opportunity like this once in a lifetime.”

24. Because Fred is immortal, there is no concept of a lifetime.

25. Fred is quite upset that there is no perfect middle in any lists that consist of an even number of items.

26. Fred has never failed a test, but plenty of tests have failed Fred.

27. When Fred fired several hundred rounds into a crowd of “Twilight” fans, no one was injured, however, he somehow managed to kill the only person that truly appreciated the show “Dark Angel.”

28. It is physically impossible for Fred to perform a pull-up.

29. Fred’s penis has roughly the same mass as Uranus.

30. Fred has never been wrong in guessing which side a coin will land on.

31. Fred wrote the guitar part for the song “Cthulhu Dawn” on a napkin and “accidentally lost it” in Paul Allender’s pants pocket.

32. The television show “Jersey Shore” is a very accurate description of Fred’s life.

33. If you kick Fred in the shin, you will explode.

34. Fred loves to fart as loudly as possible in work environments, then yell violently.

35. The Devil sold Fred a boxed set of Yanni CD’s. Fred cried for days over how beautiful it was.

36. Fred will get you pregnant regardless of the pills, condoms, or techniques you use. Also, the child will be beautiful and you will love it.

37. His dad once walked down the street nude with Fred to prove his point, “Cops wont do shit to you if you just flail you penis wildly.”

38. Fred is Kathy’s best friend, her mom said so.

39. Suicide has contemplated Fred.

40. Fred is a CDMA tower for Verizon.

41. Fred won American Idol in 2003, check the facts.

42. The Zombie Apocalypse was temporarily postponed due to the fact Fred did not have the time to deal with it. Zombies have returned to their graves and a future time is currently being scheduled.

43. Fred is not allowed to play any games that do not involve shooting, being shot, or both.

44. Fred has been on the cover of Wheaties, SI, Cosmo, US Weekly, Vogue, and Playboy.

45. Fred makes his own ice cream called, “Fred’s Homemade Delicious Frozen Cream”

46. Fred is currently married to Hayden Panetteire, sorry ladies/guys.

47. Fred cannot operate a motorized vehicle if it’s in reverse.

48. Fred refuses to drink from a cup and will only drink from the bottle. In the case of fast food restaurants and 7/11’s, he drinks straight from the dispenser.

49. The reason that I write 50 of these is unknown, Fred lost interest and all comical value around number 30.

50. Fred is secretly a hick and really badly wants to own a John Deere.

What inspires you to write? It’s a great question if you’re into reasoning, it lets you know more about who you’re talking to, something about information or whatever.

Either way, I’m a simple man. I’m very awkward and not very sociable in the sense of my awkwardness. You might be asking why and I’ll tell you: I write about and talk about whatever is on my mind at the moment. Doesn’t matter the topic we’re on, I just speak. Sometimes I’ll just create awkward situations and scenarios that are very long and elaborate, for no reason. For example:

Kaitlin and I were crossing the street and she said, “You’re gonna get me killed.” I told her she’s fine and she wont be killed in my presence. However, I mentioned it would be kinda funny If she was hit by a car and I’d have to call her mom to tell her, “Lol, sorry bout that.” And she’d respond with something along the line of, “You should come over and sleep with me,” to which I’d say no thank you. She’d ask if I were going to go to the funeral and I’d say “Yeah I’ll be there,” but when I showed there I’d be the only one there and Kaitlin would reach out of the ground with her dead hand and open it to show a note that reads, “You’re a douche.” I’d respond to it with, “My bad,” and hand it back, then she’d crawl out of the ground and eat my brains. Thus the start of the Zombie Apocalypse.

There’s really nothing behind it other than that, I’m not sure if anyone else has reasons to write other than what’s on their mind, but for me it’s all about whatever is on my mind then formulating it into words.

Sounds sad doesn’t it? I don’t write for a reason, I just do. Well I’m not everyone, I’m just me, so calm down and get over yourself.

Every year in the Empire we decide to have a little competition. It’s called “The Human Race.” The rules are simple, the first person to kill 100 people wins.

Now I know what you’re thinking, 100 people the quickest? That sounds absolutely absurd, but to be honest it really isn’t, because you’re only allowed to kill people that are witnessed doing something stupid, or more simply “Public Cleansing.” Examples of this include: People who haven’t checked their credit with freecreditreport.com, people who haven’t switched their car insurance to Geico, anyone that is in the 10th grade, and anyone that thinks Dane Cook is still funny.

Fred is the 8 time reigning Champion in The Human Race, mostly because last year I attempted to sink a cruise ship full of GM and Chrysler executives, but Fred beat me by launching a missile into the funeral for Gary Gygax. Over 130 Virgins were removed from existence after failing to roll for a dexterity saving throw.

So my coworker/Youtube celebrity Jory Caron is leaving Photogenic to do bigger and better things elsewhere. It’s a complete 50/50 deal on my end to whether or not I’m pleased about this. One I’m happy that Jory is getting away from Photogenic seeing as he has the opportunity to move on to something bigger and better than Photogenic, but Two, I’m upset that I’m losing the best coworker and funniest and funnest person to be around.

Sure I’m aware we all move on at some point, but this was something I kinda saw coming from afar, but showed up and slapped me in the face abruptly.

Either way, Photogenic is Photogenic, and I’m going to have to get used to things like this happening seeing as I’m going to be working there for the next several years.

You cannot have it.

My car’s currently dead, and I’m waiting on the insurance company to send me my check. In case you didn’t get the info, I was hit by an old man in a Mercedes that ran a red light at the corner of E. India Row and Atlantic Ave. in Boston.

Sucks I was hit just before work… Sucks I don’t have a car… Sucks girls somehow don’t like me anymore because I don’t have a car…

Whatever, I’ll live.

Photogenic is looking for good employees and supervisors, and most of their supervisors and managers come from inside the company. I’ve really stepped up and grown up a lot since working here, and I’m ready to get ready to take a leap and be a supervisor, I might even take a shot at transferring out to start up in Philly or something of that sort.

Also, Matt and Carolyn are really loud.