Joe, a loyal disciple

Hey Everyone!

Just an update that my blog HAS OFFICIALLY MOVED to: http://blog.joerenken.com

Thank you all!
-Joe

The Original List of 50
List of 50 Version 2

1) Fred once lost a tooth eating an Oreo.

2) Fred was the black man in those “The man your man could smell like” Old Spice commercials.

3) Fred starred in an episode of “What’s New Scooby Doo.” It never made it to air due to “too much graphic violence.”

4) Fred once wore a samurai outfit into a Chinese restaurant while screaming “HOW NOW BROWN COW?!” They gave him a free egg roll.

5) Fred claims that if you watch the movie “Sideways” while laying on your side, nothing happens.

6) Carly Simon wrote a song about Fred. She wont admit it’s about him, but will finally confirm the rumor in about 40 years.

7) Late last year Fred walked into a bar, punched a man in the face, pissed on his unconscious body, then had sex with his girlfriend. In an unrelated story, Snooki from Jersey Shore is now pregnant.

8. Fred told me to write that last one in hopes you would Google whether or not Snooki is pregnant.

9) Fred just used Google to see if she really is pregnant by some odd coincidence.

10) Fred cannot count past 13,891.

11) Fred thought the movie “The Descent” was decent.

12) Fred thought “Gangster’s Paradise” was a parody of Weird Al’s “Amish Paradise” stating the following: “Have you seen Coolio’s hair?”

13) Fred whistles every time he updates his twitter. No one finds this strange.

14) Fred is not easily offended. He really is not. Just don’t say anything bad about his hair.

15) Fred likes his music like he likes his coffee, with more Cream.

16) Fred thinks The Moody Blues are the depressive part of the color spectrum. He’s right.

17) Fred wrote a poem once. It was very, well, read it for yourself:
Give You Basil Joseph
Me Just Tomatoes Is
Four Said Pasta A
Words Them Onions Tool

18) Whether you know it or not, Fred has had intercourse with your parents. Even the dead ones.

19) Freds are known to have rabies if you see them out in the daytime.

20) Fred thinks it’s horrifying and hilarious that AIDS is the ultimate irony.

21) Fred wants you to look at his horse, his horse is amazing. If you give it a lick, it tastes just like raisins.

22) Fred owns a pawn shop. Specifically, he just sells the chess pieces. Business is booming.

23) Fred’s hair is the reason the Italians invented Angel Hair pasta.

24) Fred’s the kind of asshole that builds a mansion in the middle of a trailer park and calls those that live around him “peons.”

25) Fred refers to his buttocks as “the back woods.”

26) Clothes lines are no longer being used these days because 1) no one wants to hang up their underwear outdoors. 2) Fred shoots clothes with paint balls. 3) Perverts, like Fred.

27) It’s a nightly ritual for Fred to masturbate to Creedence Clearwater Revival before going to bed.

28) Fred was pulling money out of his pocket when he dropped a dollar bill on the ground. He picked up 4 quarters.

29) The state of Connecticut was founded on the values of Fred. This makes no sense.

30) Fred does not know how to open fences.

31) Fred knows how magnets work.

32) If Fred had a nickel for every time he had a nickel, the world would implode.

33) In a category 5 hurricane, the sustained wind speed of the hurricane must be at least 155.4 Miles Per Hour (250km/h), measured over one minute of time at 32feet 9.7inches (10m) above ground. Fred wanted you to know this.

34) Fred is the inventor of mono-surround sound systems. I’ll give you a minute.

35) Fred cannot tell a joke, they usually turn out like this: One day a bird was singing. A guy walked over and said, “I don’t understand tweeting.”

36) Fred has never been to a concert. He doesn’t understand how they work.

37) Fred does not like hot sauce, but he likes hot sauce.

38) Fred want me to explain the last one, Fred likes hot sauce as in warm/cooked Alfredo or red sauce. But he doesn’t like hot sauce in the sense of spicy, I hope you’re no longer confused.

39) Fred used to play piano/keyboard.

40) An old hobby of Fred’s was to wait until his mother came home from a long day at work, then spray her with a garden hose, then say, “Guess work didn’t suck after all!”

41) Fred will not tell me any actual facts about himself.

42) Fred wants me to go to hell.

43) Fred loves to eat a lot of food.

44) Fred thought this was something for me to make up and that I wasn’t going to ask actual facts from him. (My telling him to give me legit facts started at #41)

45) Fred’s favorite explanation of a proxy server is this: “Well, all it does is get you around a firewall. Picture a van full of Mexicans, the border is the firewall, the Mexicans are the data and the van is the proxy server.”

46) Fred does not like the neck beard.

47) Fred did not like the original fact #47 here. It is now this one.

48) Fred’s friends think he is Iron Man because they’re certain Fred invented Jarvis.

49) Fred has an unhealthy obsession with Cortana from Halo. “I’d go right through her!”

50) Fred doesn’t care about these facts. Fred likes them because everyone calls him telling him, “yeah, I can see that.” At least one of his friends is doing it now.

There’s no way to describe the process of how The Noble King came into power. The Noble Kings walked his land and had power over all those under him; however he had done nothing to claim his throne. The Noble King did not come to power by vote; there was no election or distinct form of bureaucracy that made the decision of him becoming their King. The Noble King did not come to power by strength or numbers; he never fought a battle, never witnessed a war and never once showed dominance over anyone. The Noble King does not have an army, to quote him, “Holding an army begs for unnecessary violence.” The Noble King was his title, it was not the title he may have wished for, but it was the title he earned.

The Noble King never once demanded money, goods, or land. Money was never a problem, as he once said, “It is unfair for a King to hold power if he cannot provide for himself.” Ne never asked for goods. He earned, bought, or traded for any goods he needed. It was a just and fair system. Never once did The Noble King take another man’s land, “Taking one’s land is taking one’s life.” The Noble King only asked for one thing from his people, a tall order from those who he held power, “Defend me until death.”

Death did not occur often in his Kingdom. Never once was violence an issue in his Kingdom. Anyone that committed any sort of crime or act of violence knew they would have to deal directly with The Noble King. What he would do or how he would react was unknown. His people knew it would be wise to avoid any confrontation, for fear of what would happen to them if he had to confront them. It was this same reason The Noble King had no opponents, for the fear of the unknown is enough to keep a man from crossing him.

However noble of a King he was, he could not stop the natural process of death from occurring. His people would grow old and pass on, leaving their children behind to continue the cycle. Whenever one of his people passed on, he would give them the respect of a King. Their casket would be carried down the main street of town on a horse drawn carriage. Every single person from town would line the funeral route. They would not hold their hands over their hearts, nor mourn their death; rather, the people would stand tall and proud, cheering and applauding, as the carriage was carried down Main Street. The people were not applauding the death itself; rather, applauding a life well lived, giving those who passed on one last hurrah before they slept forever.

One day a man came to town. This was nothing new or far from the ordinary for this town. Whenever a new person came to town, The Noble King made it his person errand to greet whoever it was to town and welcome them to his Kingdom. Never once had an ounce of confrontation ever occurred in one of these instances. The visitor would come to town, The Noble King would greet them and within a day or two, the visitor would leave town on their own accord. However, the people knew this would not happen this time, for there was something strange about this man. It was too difficult to describe, there was something not right about this man, something was off. He swayed as he moved a slow, mopey pace to his walk, it looked depressing. As we walked though, he held his head high, and you could see it in his face, he was a man with pride and he was here for no good.

As standard procedure, The Noble King heard from word of mouth that there was someone new in town, he also heard that this person is different, there’s something not right. The Noble King made it his personal errand to his people to investigate. From his Castle, that stood on a small hill located on a jut of land out of the eastern shore and into the bay, the Noble King walked westward directly to the center of town. Down the beaten dirt path that served as Main Street the Noble King passed several houses and farmlands, as well as the graveyard. It was this route the King was walking that is the same as, but the reverse of, the funeral route. Up and down the rolling hills, he walked about two and a half miles before coming to the stretch of Main Street that served as the Center of Town. In the center of town stood a church, tall and proud it was, lurching high upon the hill in the center of town, its steeple stood a full sixty feet above the ground and was easily the tallest object for as far as the eye could see. Main Street led all the way from the Noble King’s castle directly to the front door of the church. From there two spate roads split off from the church, one heading to the North and another South. It was on this Southern Path that the strange man walked, slowly, towards the church.

The Noble King walked forward toward the man, never once breaking stride, never once showing fear and never once showing dominance, rather The Noble King walked forward with confidence and power. The man, in his mopey depressive walk, approached The Noble King. The entire town was in the center to witness this, surrounding the buildings around the area, in the streets and crowding in front of the church they stood. Through thick and through thin these people would stand by their Noble King, the strange man gave them the feeling this confrontation would be the former of the two. At the point of their meeting two things happened. First, the King reached his hand out in order to shake hands with the strange man. The strange man did not respond to this, rather the second happened; the strange man looked directly into the eyes of The Noble King and said simply, “I came for you.” The Noble King calmly and coolly responded, “Well here I am.”

The town remained silent. All one thousand members of town surrounded the crossroads at the church where the strange man and The Noble King stood. The strange man took a step forward, standing so close that the strange man was rubbing against The Noble King, and whispering into the King’s ear he said, “By the end of this day, you will be dead.” Even with the town so silent that you could hear a pin drop from one hundred feet away, no one, except The Noble King, heard what was said. The Noble King, now looking forward over the strange man’s right shoulder, without even a thought at glimpsing toward him, pivoted on his right foot and swung his left leg 180 degrees around behind him, so that The Noble King was now facing directly away from this strange man. Never a look of fear, never showing dominance and never showing weakness, The Noble King started to walk away from the strange man in the direction of his castle.
The strange man started to laugh, evilly and maniacally, he screams, “Run in fear coward! Show these people your true colors! Hide like the rat you are!” The Noble King stops in his tracks, only about 20 paces away from the strange man, with his back to the strange man. The Noble King knows the entire town is watching this event unfold and all eyes are on him. The Noble King doesn’t move an inch, doesn’t show a hint of weakness and does not show a hint of dominance. The Noble King shouts, “’Til Death!!!” and continues to walk away. The strange man stands in the center of town perplexed, the crowd starts to chant, “’Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!!” The strange man looks around as the crowd slowly collapses around him, a circle has formed and there’s no escape. The people still chant, “’Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!! ‘Till Death!!!” A deafening, thundering tone among them, each chant becoming louder and louder than the first, “’Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!! ‘Til Death!!!”

As The Noble King makes his way back to the castle, the chant becomes weaker and weaker as he walks further and further away. He does not need to know what will happen to the strange man, nor does he care, it’s for his people to decide.