Fred is having trouble writing about the past, in the present tense first person.
Joe:
So we’re sitting here talking shit about people, and man I gotta say this is hilarious. For some reason Joe has this fucking skunk tail of a haircut going on and wearing tights and I gotta say he looks like a pile of fuck. Anyway, I need to get back to triple-five and get some programming done on Naomi, peace.
Is it really that hard?
Fred:
*stabs joe in the face* I am enjoying this, the color of the blood leaking through the newly made hole is reminiscent of a river flowing in the early spring being fed by the rush of melting snow and Ice. “Good bye” I say as I pull out the knife and extend my leg to kick Joe in the chest. Yes Joe, This is SPARTA!
Joe:
“Listen here,” I say to Fred with the canter of a schoolchild finding a quarter on the ground on his way to class, “Fuck your shit you twat.” I claimed that I shall not fall so easily to the bastardized abomination that is Fred, so I countered his kick to my chest by shoving his massive boot off to the side and thrust my dagger into his heart shouting, “TODAY IS A FINE DAY TO DIE.”
Fred:
Oh so Joe thinks he can win that easily, I grab Joe’s dagger from my chest, “You forget I had that useless organ removed years ago, and you are right Today is a fine day to die, let me know how it feels!” As I swing the dagger across Joe’s throat, the blood erupts like Mt. Vesuvius on that faithful day where Pompeii was destroyed. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson Joe. Never Cross me.”
Joe:
Fred’s a foolish man, the blood he sees flying is not that of any mortal, it is the blood of a tyrant of the feast. The shining star of a neon green fountain of Mountain Dew streams out of my flesh and covers Fred’s newly pressed trench coat in the sugary goodness of my sweet blood. Taking a swig of my life-blood I laugh loudly and proclaim, “Best check your shit, My death will never come!”
Fred:
I am filled with Joy, at Joe’s latest divulgement of information, I now know that I can commence an eternity of torture, on this insolent fool. I grab Joe by the flesh of his arm, and fling him into a steel cage like some kind of animal. “Enjoy your new home Joe, you will live there for sometime, and in may places. First stop, the Lava pits” I am filled with glee, finally some real entertainment
Joe:
Watching Fred gloat has me wrapped up in anger and fear for what is to come, but oh, what is this sitting here? Ha! I shout at Fred with the confidence of a man who’s just escaped death for the tenth time
“Filled with glee?
Ha! A fool is thee!
left on the floor
is but the Key!”
I release myself from the wretched cage and walk straight up to Fred’s massive frame watching the smirk wiped from his face, “One day Fred, one day you shall have your wish.”
Fred:
Just one more step Joe…SUCCESS, I quickly reach into my pocket and push the shiny red button. Oh yes THAT BUTTON. All of a sudden the floor drops from below Joe, like a Saturday morning cartoon. The look on Joe’s face was priceless as he realized what was happening. “See you later Joe.” Joe’s body descended rapidly down the seemingly never ending shaft, on his way to Ohio, where he cannot use his debit card, and it will take him days to return. Life is good.
Joe:
Falling down this never ending tunnel towards doom I look to the sky and think to myself, “Those bastards at Staples were right… that WAS easy.” Letting the doom come to me, however, is not an option, I call in a favor to the almighty himself and ask, “God, I need a fucking dew.”
His response is less than favorable, “Dude, just go to the store, it’s not that fucking hard, plus, I’m on my coffee break.”
This is going to be a long day…