Whenever Fred walks, it’s really just the earth moving under him, not him moving.
Fred counts up two, minus one. 2 1 3 2 4 3 5 4 6 5…. not 1 2 3 4 5, this is due to an error caused by inter-planar teleportation.
Fred is not a vampire. Vampires are Freds.
Fred created a law stating all rectangles must be squares
Fred doesn’t need to shower, for Fred is always clean. He only showers to blend in better with normal people.
Fred is illiterate. This is due to too much HTML and Java coding.
Fred cannot explain certain things to you in detail, you are just wrong. If Fred did explain, it would force your brain to explode, which is not a mess Fred is about to clean up.
Due to his sleep style, Fred constantly trips while sleeping.
Fred never becomes sick or has need for medicine, he only pretends.
Fred has created over 17 known languages. Sadly, no one can speak them.
Fred was once mistaken as being a tall Italian woman. This story, however, is false, because all Italian women are taller than Fred.
Fred doesn’t understand where the coding he wrote went wrong that made “Shirt and Tie” standard business wear.
Fred cannot feel hot or cold, nor can he properly detect North from South. Again, this is due to an error caused by inter-planar teleportation.
Fred never has everything he needs at any point in time, he will always forget something. This is what God decided to do to piss Fred off ever so slightly.
Fred is not God, nor is Fred the Devil, he’s the guy from Purgatory no one seems to mention, but now you know.
Fred is still slightly confused as to why he hasn’t made a working pencil out of AOL disks yet.
Fred can name every person he’s ever met. He chooses not to because it takes too long and is quite boring.
Fred’s screen name “Animal2k87″ constantly pisses him off, because he always forgets he was born in 3,087 BFCITAD, (Before Fred Changed It To Anno Domini, or better known as “B.C.”), and not 2,087.
As stated in the Bible, the world really was created only about 6,000 years ago. Fred just makes things older to make scientists feel worthwhile.
One time I was thirsty and Fred needed to pee, so I told Fred I’d take the piss for him if he’d get me the drink. Just after saying this I realized how stupid that was, however, Fred agreed to do just that. I peed for him and he got the drink. This qualifies as one of those things Fred cannot explain to you in detail.
Dewey did beat Truman, but Fred changed it around to prove that you really should just shut the fuck up.
Jack the Ripper never killed anyone. He did, however, sell Fred a Rolex out of a suitcase in New York.
Although it’s a popular belief, Fred cannot see or change the future. But he will go back in time and change certain things until he gets it right. That’s why when you read this in 2036 you’ll find out that Kennedy wasn’t assassinated, Rick Astley was President for 4 full terms because he never wanted to “give you up” and George W. Bush was aborted via the “Falcon Punch” method.
Fred wants you to know David Blaine really sucks at fake magic.
Fred cannot shuffle a deck of cards. This is another error caused by inter-planar teleportation.
Fred cannot fully explain inter-planar teleportation to you.
Fred can reproduce asexually. This is something he actually can explain to you in detail, but it is another error caused by inter-planar teleportation.
Fred knows every question to every answer.
Fred created the sport Cricket and unfortunately cannot fully explain that to you either.
Fred has permed his hair only once before and will continue to blame that on the 70’s.
Fred always has no idea what you’re talking about, but is constantly very lucky at guessing right about what to say every time you finish speaking to make you feel better about yourself.
Fred is 80plus certified.
Fred cannot fully explain to you how to make a paper airplane, this is actually due to the fact that Fred has no idea what paper is.
The Mayans really are crazy people hell bent on the number 12. Fred just decided to write that the day of destruction is 12/21/12 to make the Mayans seem smarter and more accurate.
Fred created daylight savings time to make your life just that much better.
Fred can fall up, but will not do it for you because, quote, “It hurts too much.”
Fred once fell asleep on the train, and is quite confused as to how he didn’t fall off while the train was in the tunnels.
Fred will bite through soda cans to drink them. This isn’t a show of dominance, he just doesn’t know how the tab thing works.
Fred cannot properly pronounce the word “solvent”
Fred has been contemplating for 3 years as to whether or not 50 Cent throwing money in a club while an Indian does a rain dance qualifies it as successfully “making it rain”
Fred tried to make it law that you need an appointment to talk to him, but he decided that the paperwork needed was too long and complicated, as well as involved something called “paper”
Fred wants to kill the man responsible for calling earphones “headphones”
Fred is in the process of suing the inventor of the computer mouse for the use of the phrase “point and click,” which he has already trademarked for the proper method of how to shoot a gun.
Fred cheats at Monopoly because he claims he can put his money into investments and CD’s that give him full control of the banks that hold your money. This results in him freezing your accounts, stealing all your assets and money, winning him the game every time.
Fred doesn’t believe in death, he claims everyone dissipates into the air instead. Oddly, this is his same theory on Global Warming.
Fred is upset at whoever it was’s fault that the word “fact” was miswritten from the word “Fred” and was much more widely accepted. (For those reading this in 2036, the word “Fred” was commonly written as “fact” back in the old days.)
Fred told me once that he was contemplating starting over again. I asked him why he wanted to recreate our current world, and he said “no no, I was talking about the pizza, that shit was good!”
Due to a recent rise in death of Art School students, Fred no longer can fully explain why we see colors.
For unknown reasons, after Fred talked with Ellen Degeneres he thought for many years the word “gay” meant “the love of women” and went around saying to every woman he met that he was gay. This created many social problems for Fred, but according to the women, “made the sex better”
Fred created the black plague to originally kill off the French, but then decided the earth would be better off without all the stupid people, resulting in everyone dying, except for Fred and a woman named Eve who were left to re-populate the world. Fred re-wrote a bunch of history to distort the facts to make it seem like not everyone died and that these two things happened at different times. Also, Fred is pissed at the person responsible for calling him “Adam” and making up that bullshit with the apple.
