Joe, a loyal disciple

I started learning it today, woot wewt \/\/007!

New English Paper is Due in on Wednesday. I’m writing it on my happy experience of getting My head smashed in by a rock, need more detail then that? OK!

I Was Only A Kid
Joe Renken

Life as a kid was very simple; nothing to worry about, nothing that bothered you, no fear, nothing. That’s when things always go wrong, when you feel like you’re king of the world it all collapses around you.

I was only 4 years old when the most terrifying thing of my life occurred to me. I was being your normal little 4 year old, wandering around a New Hampshire cottage, interested in every little thing I saw, the trees that were so tall it seemed like they never ended, the slimy little bugs that came out from under rocks, and even a cute little chipmunk would pop its head out every now and again.

There was a lake too, not a very big one, just a nice little lake where you could see all it’s shores around you. We had a patio down by the lake that you could sit on and relax, or go down the stairs onto the docks. I’d always be around the patio, looking at all the shapes of the rocks that made it, all the bugs crawling on it, and even get to see an occasional frog.

I would have been out on the lake swimming that day, but my Grandmother wouldn’t let me, she said the water was too cold to go swimming in, so I listened to her, but I still really wanted to go swimming. I wandered around the patio, like usual, occasionally looking into the lake to see if there was a fish, but there were none that I could see. I’d pace around some more, looking for new bugs to catch, and that’s when a dog came by.

He was a brown Labrador retriever, one I’ never seen before, probably one of the neighbor’s dogs. He was a playful dog, so happy and jumpy, my Grandmother thought he was so adorable. I stood on the patio with my new little playmate and petted him. He was too playful to be petted, so he ran off to get a stick and brought it back for me to play with him. I threw that stick as far as I could out into the lake, and that dog just jumped right off the patio, into the water and brought me back the stick. I was so excited! It was the first time I’d ever played fetch with a dog before! I kept on throwing that stick and he’d keep going out and bringing it back!

After a while I got tired from all the standing, so I sat down, but that dog kept on wanting to play. I sat on an old rickety lawn chair that was on the patio and I threw that stick as hard as I could while sitting. After I threw it I started to fall over, I tried to correct myself, but I couldn’t, I just kept on falling over. I hit my head hard on the cement patio, rolled off of it, and then down the hill next to it, hitting my head off one of the rocks on the way down, I know I had hit a rock too, because it was the last thing I saw before I blacked out.

My sister, Heather, and my Grandmother, Nana, were the two watching over me. They were up the yard a little way raking leaves. Nana remembers me playing with the dog and seeing how happy I was, Heather was mad because she couldn’t play with him. Nana says she remembered seeing me play with the dog, smiling and laughing, and then I stopped. She thought I went down by the lake with the dog, she couldn’t see the water’s edge over the patio. After about 5 minutes of not hearing anything, she sent Heather to go check on me.

Heather, whom I probably could have heard lying there unconscious, screamed bloody blue murder at the top of her lungs, I was face down in the water with blood all around me. Nana ran down as quick as she could to pull me out, Heather ran up to the cottage screaming her lungs out for my Dad and Grandfather to come save my life.

Nana pulled me out of the water, somehow I was still breathing, and there was no water in my lungs. My dad and Grandfather, while trying not to panic, quickly rushed me up to the van. My mother was already there starting it . Nana said I didn’t start screaming in pain until we got to the van. I honestly don’t remember anything of it, except me waking up and seeing my grandmother wiping my forehead off in the car, before I passed out again.

I didn’t wake up again until after I received stitching on my forehead, and enough morphine to knock out a small animal, but once again, it was only for about 3 seconds before I passed out again.

When I finally awoke for real, I was at home and I walked down the stairs. Standing there in the kitchen was my mom, dad and 2 sisters. Instead of asking me if I was ok, they laughed at me. I wanted to cry because of how much pain I was in, but my mom gave me a mirror to look at myself in. I had a black eye that was bright purple and green. Just 2 days earlier my family was scared for me, they thought I was dead, but there I was, as alive as I could ever be, and we were all laughing our butts off because of my multicolored eye.

I will never forget how traumatic things were, or how quickly everything went back to normal. I was just a kid. I didn’t know better. I was almost dead.

They groaned, they stirred, they all uprose,
Nor spake, nor moved their eyes;
It had been strange, even in a dream,
To have seen those dead men rise.

~The Rime of The Ancient Mariner

Chris Gabrielli is running for Governor in Massachusetts. I think he’s a douchebag, but go him for getting people to pay for his campaign! *Thumbs Up* Everyone loves a skeeze!!!

(First Person Perspective)

I was at Daddy’s Junky Music store on Tuesday. I had to pick up a bass bag for my Dokken awesome Epiphone Thunderbird 4-String Bass, made and inspected by “Number 21.” While I was there, the gentleman who was helping me out with my purchase, was being tormented by one of his coworkers, apparently he owes her something, so we sat around for a good 15 minutes discussing all the possibilities of what he has to get her.

Based on the information he gave me, he owes her something because he made her do work he was supposed to do earlier in the day, so I told him to get her a really nice, large coffee. He said that she’s not a coffee fan, so I mentioned chocolate, flowers, or a nice, but comical card. She’s not big on chocolate, the flower bit, or the whole “sympathy through comedy” thing. I felt bad for him, I didn’t know how to help him, he was and probably still is, screwed.

(Third Person Perspective)

Joe, a very nice, well read, studious young fellow from Quincy, decided it was time for him to go into Boston to Daddy’s Junky Music store to buy a bass bag for his Dokken awesome Epiphone Thunderbird 4-String Bass, made and inspected by “Number 21.” While he was there, the gentleman behind the counter, who was helping Joe with the purchase, was being harassed by one of his fellow coworkers. The Gentleman, apparently, owes the coworker something, because of a task he had her do earlier in the day that he should have done himself. Joe decided to help the young man figure out what he was to get her.

Joe told the gentleman to get her a coffee. He said she doesn’t like coffee all that much. Joe insisted that maybe he try chocolate, flowers, or even a comical card to lighten their tension. The gentleman claimed that she doesn’t like chocolate, flowers, or even the “sympathy through comedy” thing. Joe felt bad for the young man, he couldn’t figure out any other ways to help him. The young man was and probably still is, screwed.

MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

So get this shit, they split my English class in half, remove me from a class I was VERY content in and then decide to try to throw me in some other classroom. I said FUCK THAT and went to switch back into the class they took me out of.

I go to the enrollment office, and they tell me that I have to pay $15 to get back INTO THE CLASS I JUST GOT TAKEN OUT OF 10 MINUTES EARLIER

Jesus Fucking HELL, I though shoveling shit was a bastard, but now this school is fucking me over more than Michael Jackson… you know what, fuck it, I’m not even going to reference how much QCC is trying to fuck me over compared to Michael Jackson, because Michael Jackson is a Castrated Celibate Nun compared to all the fucking QCC is doing to me.

Enough from me for now, I have homework to do, and I need to cool off a bit before I fucking explode, but yea, I’m back in my origional English Class, you know, the one with the Hott teacher.

I HATE NEW HAMPSHIRE

It used to be almost every single weekend my parents would bring me to NH for work to get done on the cottage, but this weekend was the worst. Instead of being able to go out drinking with Chels and the Gang, I was forced to go to NH and shovel shit.

Now I know some of you are aware that the term “shoveling shit” is a phrase that translates to “I’m doing nothing,” but if I told you a pipe on the Septic Tank broke, then this is a direct translation of “shoveling shit.”

LONG story short, shit was shoveled, the pipe was replaced, and I never knew until this weekend it was possible to take 8 showers in a 24 hour span.

For my English Comp class I have to write about my favorite place, quite obviously it’s my computer, so I’m trying to figure out a way to describe my computer area using pirateness. If that doesn’t work, I’ll write it about some other place or something.

Algebra is quite the same, crazy teacher yelling at us for no reason. She yelled at a new student because he wrote everything in pen, yelled at more people because they weren’t on the schedule and that’s the school’s fault, not the kids.

History should be a breeze for the beginning weeks. As said earlier, my teacher is out for a few weeks, so all we have to do is read a lot and discuss the reading in class, plain and simple.

In other news, I have Taylor’s Jacket… I might just hold it ransom, because I can.

Apparently you’re not allowed to enter a computer lab without a school ID, I found this out after entering the classroom. I have to wait till Monday to get my picture taken, but that’s ok, I don’t have another computer lab class until Tuesday. Maybe I’ll actually be able to learn some HTML before the end of the year!

…

~~UPDATE~~

Apparently there was a misunderstanding, you can be in a computer lab during school hours, It’s just after hours work you can’t be there. All is good now!

You do Not talk about Fight Club!
But you just broke the first rule!
SHADDUP

College is pretty chill, my English Comp teacher is hott and I can’t deny that. I like my schedule, the teachers are cool, my math teacher’s fucking INSANE, but what’s math without an abnormally crazy person at the head of the class? History will probably be a breeze, the teacher is chill and he’s gone for the two first weeks of school because of a pre-planned trip to Tuscany. We’ll miss ya.

Single? signs have been popping up everywhere around here, Bostonsingles, Pembrokesingles, Braintreesingles, and of course, the original Quincysingles signs. We steal them because we think it’s funny, and because the site isn’t real. You can go to Quincysingles.org and sign up, but nothing will be there after you’ve signed up. We have an idea that people are doing it as jokes, so are we!

The Single? signs are used for distracting drivers so we can laugh at them, give them “Bibles” and leud pictures via window to window passing. It’s very fun, highly addictive, and we want more signs, so if you see one, contact me at: Renken@animalicity.com

Fred:
Yesterday started off with me waking up like usual, Fred IM’s me, “Joe, I need 15 feet of coaxial cable.” I tell him to give me till 7, because I have a chicken parm dinner to cook. The dinner was awesome, I rock at cooking chicken parm.

So I head into Boston, miss the E train on the Green line, so I catch the next possible Green line train and get off at the Hines Convention Center. The walk takes an extra 10 mins to get to him, we chill for a bit, hook his TV up to cable and then I realize I don’t have money to get home, I’m all WTF. Fred loans me a buck and I head home.

Coffee:
Heather, Steve, and my cousin pick me up at the T, and we go drop my cousin off, the whole time I’m thinking about how the hell am I going to get Kathy a coffee I promised I’d get her while being broke. I’m thinking about going into a Dunkin Donuts and just asking for a free coffee, then Steve gives me an opportunity I’m looking for.

Steve: “Hey Joey, I’ll buy you a frosty, only if you don’t eat it with a spoon”

Me: “How bout you buy me a coffee I can’t drink with my mouth”

Steve: “Deal”

Ain’t that brilliant? So Steve ends up buying me this coffee, which I now have to figure out how to give to Kathy, who, by the way, HATES Steve. We get to the house, Heather and Steve go inside through the front door, I take that opportunity to run out the back and to Kathy’s house. A 15 minute walk later, she’s not there…

I hang out with her brother, Joe Peters, for an hour and a half, until her mom kicked me out. I start to walk home, coffee in hand, and a little mad that Kathy wasn’t home for me to give it to. I get to Lebreque Field and guess who comes barreling around the corner? Chelsey, and she has Kathy! I tell them the story about what I went through to get the coffee, so they think it’d be funny if we went and returned it to Steve, which we did.

Pre-Booking:
We have just finished giving Steve his coffee back, he gives up the most PRICELESS expression, then Chelsey tried to steal Heather and Steve’s booze, she failed.

They decide it’s time to leave, but they want books, so I bring Evan down the basement to go look for some old books to give them, there are none. I tell him I didn’t want to be home while Heather and Steve are drinking, mostly because I don’t want to be around Steve, yes, I hate him too.

Kathy, Chelsey and Evan leave, keeping me at home to deal with Steve and Heather, so I decide to get ready for bed, but then all of a sudden *ring ring* it’s the phone.

Chelsey: “Renken! Steal me some of Heather’s booze and bring some books!”

Me: “Ok, see you in a few.”

Steve was hiding that bottle up his ass or something, because he wouldn’t let me take any, even though I told him I was, “In for the night.” I ran downstairs, and grabbed a bar of soap, because it’s all I could find, and went outside.

Booking:
Kathy and Chelsey told me that Evan said I didn’t want to be there, so they felt bad and came to get me. We drove off into Boston, for what I thought was gonna be the normal “Single?” signing everyone, but that’s where the books came into play. The new thing we do is drive up to people/next to people, flash the “Single?” signs to get their attention, hand them a random book and drive off to the priceless expressions on their face.

Some notables were: A black guy who kept asking to see Kathy’s boobs and not paying any attention to the book we just gave him, a guy who gave us back a book on Jesus, because he was distraught that it wasn’t a porno, and a guy who grabbed a book from Kathy as we were driving by at 30miles an hour.

Our booking escapade ended at around 3am… good times!

The story behind Single signs will be up soon, until then, sleep well!

The Scores: Kathy: A LOT OF BOOKS. Chelsey: 3 books. Me and Evan: a combined 1… that we threw at a bad driver.