Joe, a loyal disciple

1. Fred once jacked off a cow, yes a cow, for scientific purposes.

2. Like Saturn and Jupiter, the vast majority of Fred is composed of superheated Liquid Metallic Hydrogen.

3. Once Fred becomes President, he’s going to create a day that doesn’t end in “Y,” just to get rid of those stupid sayings.

4. Fred is unaware of the sport Tennis.

5. Fred was quite upset when he found out the movie “Lady and the Tramp,” was not about him.

6. When/if you manage to break Fred’s arms or legs, they will start glowing like glow-sticks.

7. Fred has never been, nor ever plans to, visit a McDonald’s Restaurant.

8. Fred started a record company back in 1996. He has yet to produce, write, create, sign, design, unsign, advertise, fire, hire, or kill any bands yet.

9. Fred drives like an old woman.

10. When Fred was in North Carolina, he was bit by a brown recluse spider and nearly lost his left nipple.

11. Fred hates the words: blog, vlog, cockchute, parrallelogram, craisin, collide, fallacy, chastity, aphex, trillobite, geriatric, Krakatoa, yuan-ti, ziggurat, magnification, fibromyalgia, gracious, and Joe.

12. Fred is not known for being very nutritious, however, the label does state that he has Low Sodium.

13. Fred is a very well known and highly accomplished ballroom dancer.

14. After hearing the urban legend about the woman hatching cockroaches in her tongue after licking envelopes, Fred attempted to hatch cockroaches in his tongue.

15. Baked, boiled, burned, frozen, fried or raw, it doesn’t matter, Fred loves cake.

16. Fred spent his entire freshman year at college laughing at his roommates that were stuck eating ramen the whole year, because Fred doesn’t have to eat to survive.

17. When Fred masturbates in public, everyone stops to applaud.

18. Fred would like someone to explain to him what “Youtube” is.

19. Fred sued General Mills over the Trix slogan, “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!” The reason for it is because the term “Silly rabbit” is a racial slur against Fred’s. General Mills has agreed to settle out of court.

20. Fred has broken 17 monitors from attempting to add his own style of “bullets” into Microsoft Word documents or presentations.

21. When Fred was little he heard the word “blowjob,” but didn’t know what it meant, so he asked his mom, “What’s a blowjob,” to which she replied, “A necklace and $50″

22. Fred started the fire after the 1906 earthquake in San Fransisco. A newspaper has him quoted as saying, “You really only get an opportunity like this once in a lifetime.”

23. Fred has started over 200 fires in his lifetime, to which each time various newspapers have him quoted as saying, “You really only get an opportunity like this once in a lifetime.”

24. Because Fred is immortal, there is no concept of a lifetime.

25. Fred is quite upset that there is no perfect middle in any lists that consist of an even number of items.

26. Fred has never failed a test, but plenty of tests have failed Fred.

27. When Fred fired several hundred rounds into a crowd of “Twilight” fans, no one was injured, however, he somehow managed to kill the only person that truly appreciated the show “Dark Angel.”

28. It is physically impossible for Fred to perform a pull-up.

29. Fred’s penis has roughly the same mass as Uranus.

30. Fred has never been wrong in guessing which side a coin will land on.

31. Fred wrote the guitar part for the song “Cthulhu Dawn” on a napkin and “accidentally lost it” in Paul Allender’s pants pocket.

32. The television show “Jersey Shore” is a very accurate description of Fred’s life.

33. If you kick Fred in the shin, you will explode.

34. Fred loves to fart as loudly as possible in work environments, then yell violently.

35. The Devil sold Fred a boxed set of Yanni CD’s. Fred cried for days over how beautiful it was.

36. Fred will get you pregnant regardless of the pills, condoms, or techniques you use. Also, the child will be beautiful and you will love it.

37. His dad once walked down the street nude with Fred to prove his point, “Cops wont do shit to you if you just flail you penis wildly.”

38. Fred is Kathy’s best friend, her mom said so.

39. Suicide has contemplated Fred.

40. Fred is a CDMA tower for Verizon.

41. Fred won American Idol in 2003, check the facts.

42. The Zombie Apocalypse was temporarily postponed due to the fact Fred did not have the time to deal with it. Zombies have returned to their graves and a future time is currently being scheduled.

43. Fred is not allowed to play any games that do not involve shooting, being shot, or both.

44. Fred has been on the cover of Wheaties, SI, Cosmo, US Weekly, Vogue, and Playboy.

45. Fred makes his own ice cream called, “Fred’s Homemade Delicious Frozen Cream”

46. Fred is currently married to Hayden Panetteire, sorry ladies/guys.

47. Fred cannot operate a motorized vehicle if it’s in reverse.

48. Fred refuses to drink from a cup and will only drink from the bottle. In the case of fast food restaurants and 7/11′s, he drinks straight from the dispenser.

49. The reason that I write 50 of these is unknown, Fred lost interest and all comical value around number 30.

50. Fred is secretly a hick and really badly wants to own a John Deere.